The Rent Is Still Too Damn High, But Now It’s Multilingual
NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning upset that left political analysts, real estate developers, and several Upper West Side yoga instructors sobbing into their oat milk cortados, Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist with an actual spine, has won the Democratic primary for mayor of New York City—defeating former Governor Andrew Cuomo, who emerged from political purgatory muttering something about “vindication” and “Italian affection.”
Despite Cuomo’s multi-year redemption tour of gaslighting and mansplained nostalgia, voters opted for a candidate with radical notions like housing being a human right, billionaires paying taxes, and immigrants being people.
Cuomo was last seen staring blankly at a CitiBike kiosk, whispering “But I was the pandemic dad…”
Wait… the Brown Guy Won? – America, Shocked
Mamdani’s victory triggered the expected Category 5 Whitelash on cable news. Pundits clutched their pearls, failed to pronounce his name, and instead defaulted to calling him “polarizing” and “controversial,” which is apparently code for “brown guy with policy ideas.”
Fox News dubbed him “a socialist sleeper agent installed by kale,” while CNN ran a segment titled, “Are We Too Inclusive Now?” featuring five white panelists and one vaguely brown guy named Todd.
Meanwhile, Mamdani’s supporters—many of whom have been priced out of their own neighborhoods by investment bankers with irony mustaches—held a grassroots celebration featuring free food, live music, and mutual aid. No police showed up, which explains why no one got shot.
Cuomo’s Strategy: Misread the Room, Set It on Fire
Cuomo’s campaign, launched under the banner “Make New York Sweaty and Fearful Again”, failed to inspire. His plan included:
- Restoring “the old New York,” which he clarified meant Bloomberg-era authoritarianism with a side of clingy dad energy.
- Ending the “woke mob’s stranglehold” on the city—by which he meant 22-year-olds with tote bags and student debt.
- A nostalgia-fueled TV ad that opened with Sinatra’s “New York, New York” and ended with Cuomo smirking in front of a defunded community center.
During debates, he referred to Mamdani as “a nice boy,” triggering a citywide drinking game that hospitalized three liberals in Park Slope.
NYC’s Demographics: Now 50% Less Mayonnaise
Mamdani’s win reflects the undeniable truth that nearly half of NYC’s population is now foreign-born—a fact that made the New York Post spontaneously combust and reassemble itself into a less racist pamphlet.
Voters now speak over 200 languages, understand what a rent strike is, and don’t care how many bridges Cuomo built if he also spent a decade covering up sexual harassment and nursing home deaths.
City residents no longer see “socialism” as a threat, but rather as the thing that might finally stop them from dying of heatstroke in a sixth-floor walkup that costs $4,000 a month.
The Democratic Party Reacts: Mild Panic, Then a Fundraising Email
Within minutes of Mamdani’s win, the DNC released a statement that read: “We support all Democrats, even the ones who make us very, very nervous.” They followed this with a request for $15 and a promise to fight for whatever’s polling well this week.
Hillary Clinton offered congratulations via tweet, saying, “Diversity is our strength. But let’s not get carried away.” The tweet was later deleted and replaced with a link to a MasterClass.
Several moderate Dems are reportedly drafting a counter-candidate—a middle-aged white man named Skip who once said “Latinx” out loud and owns a hybrid.
What Happens Next?
While landlords scream into their Pelotons and NYPD leadership warns that crime will rise without their $11 billion cosplay budget, the rest of the city moves on. Because they have to. Because they always do.
Because New Yorkers, despite the doomsday headlines, know bullshit when they smell it. And Cuomo? He smelled like the past.
Mamdani’s campaign didn’t win on vibes. It won on rent receipts, mutual aid, and the wildly controversial belief that the people who build this city should also get to live in it.
And now, New York has spoken. Loudly. In many languages. With their ballots.
Hope you brought subtitles.