In a surprising twist that shocked absolutely no one, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken bold, decisive, and entirely unhinged action against the greatest threat to American prosperity: math. Specifically, the kind of math that results in job reports that make him look bad.
Following a “disappointing” economic update, which revealed that jobs are apparently not resurrecting themselves through sheer force of ego, Trump immediately fired the unnamed official responsible for the Bureau of Economic Inconvenience (or whatever it’s called when numbers don’t flatter Republicans). The former President, never one to miss a rebranding opportunity, announced via Truth Social:
“WEAK JOBS REPORT = FAKE NEWS! Rigged numbers by DEEP STATE DATA NERDS! I hereby fire the responsible loser—who, frankly, nobody liked!!! America is winning BIGLY except for when it isn’t, which is ILLEGAL!”
The now-former official, who is said to have committed the heinous act of presenting data honestly, has been escorted from Mar-a-Lago’s executive bunker with a copy of The Art of the Deal, a signed 8×10 of Eric, and a voucher for one free Diet Coke.
When in Doubt, Blame the Mathletes
In Trump’s America, job reports are less about actual employment figures and more about vibes. And the vibes, according to Trump, were sabotaged. Not by inflation, global economic shifts, or trickle-down economics (which famously trickled into nothing), but by internal enemies “hiding in basements, cooking the books, and possibly eating pizza with Hillary Clinton.”
Sources close to the former President (i.e., his reflection in the mirror) confirmed that the spreadsheet that delivered the dire data “looked suspiciously woke,” citing fonts “favored by NPR types” and an overuse of commas, which Trump reportedly finds “very elitist.”
Firing People Into Prosperity
This isn’t the first time Trump has solved a policy problem with a firing. In fact, firing staffers is essentially Trump’s economic strategy, foreign policy doctrine, and personal wellness routine all rolled into one. It’s the keto diet of political maneuvering: cut everything and hope the bloat goes down.
By this logic, America’s sluggish job recovery could be solved by simply removing all employees from the Department of Labor—thereby creating jobs about jobs, without the burden of data.
“If there are no reports, then there are no bad reports. That’s how we did it in the casino business, and look how great that went!” Trump allegedly said while autographing a foreclosure notice.
The Real Enemy? Honest Statistics
The jobs report in question noted a slowdown in hiring across multiple sectors—hospitality, retail, and whatever industry is responsible for manufacturing red hats. But Trump insists the data was “cooked up to tank Republican midterms,” despite the fact that he is neither in office nor technically a Republican anymore, depending on which fundraising email you believe.
One anonymous aide (who asked to be quoted only as “Melania”) was overheard saying, “He thinks if you fire the thermometer, the fever goes away.”
It’s worth noting that the fired official, a long-time civil servant with degrees in economics and data analytics, reportedly cried for only three minutes before quietly opening a highly profitable Substack titled Numbers Don’t Lie, But Men with Golden Toilets Do.
A Bee’s-Eye View on the Collapse of Reason
Let’s be clear: economic downturns aren’t fun. They hurt real people. But what’s uniquely American is how we choose to interpret that pain—not as a call for reform or relief, but as a cue for reality TV-level accountability. When the numbers disappoint, you fire the statistician. When the mirror reflects unflattering truths, you break the mirror. And when democracy threatens to hold you accountable… you go golfing.
In a country that treats data like a liberal conspiracy and job reports like Yelp reviews for capitalism, truth itself becomes negotiable—so long as someone, anyone, can be publicly humiliated for it. Bonus points if they look like they read nonfiction.
“I only like job reports that like me,” Trump allegedly muttered before mistaking a line graph for his EKG.
Final Thought:
If leadership is about taking responsibility, then Trump has once again proven he prefers leadership the way he likes his fast food—cheap, messy, and always someone else’s problem. And while the fired official may now be unemployed, they can rest easy knowing they were let go not for failure—but for daring to deliver reality to a man who prefers reruns of his own myth.
Because in this version of America, it’s not the economy that’s rigged.
It’s the applause track.