Hey Jesus,
Just circling back (again). Still no sign of you. No heavenly descent, no clouds parting, no divine trumpet blast—just the usual right-wing podcast hosts calling everything the Antichrist and Marjorie Taylor Greene misquoting you while selling tactical Bibles on QVC.
Listen, I know it’s been a long 2,000 years. You’re probably busy blessing astronauts or bench pressing the sins of humanity. But respectfully, Sir of Sandals, your fanbase is out of control. Like, concert crowd after free meth and a megaphone out of control.
We’re begging you: come get your people.
Because here’s what your self-appointed PR team has been up to in 2025:
THEY’VE DECIDED YOU’RE WHITE NOW
Apparently, Galilee is in rural Alabama because every church mural looks like Abercrombie Jesus with highlights and abs. Historical accuracy? Nah. Just keep the cheekbones and the whiteness. It’s easier to oppress brown people that way, you see.
THEY TURNED “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR” INTO “JUDGE, DEPORT, THEN DEFUND”
You told them to feed the poor. They call free school lunch woke socialism. You healed lepers for free. They charge $500 for insulin and call universal healthcare a “slippery slope to Satan.”
You hugged whores. They boycott Target because they saw a rainbow sock.
THEY’RE STILL OBSESSED WITH GAY PEOPLE
You hung out with twelve dudes, washed their feet, and wore a robe with no pockets. But somehow, we’re the problem? Your fan club is now the leading cause of repressed gay congressmen and traumatized youth with Southern accents and trauma-induced Bible tattoos.
THEY THINK YOU’D BE AT A TRUMP RALLY
You flipped tables in a temple. They stormed the Capitol with crosses zip-tied to riot gear and called it “God’s Will.” They genuinely believe the man who said “blessed are the meek” would vote for a guy who builds golden toilets and brags about grabbing women like he’s auditioning for Sodom: The Musical.
THEY’VE OUTSOURCED MORALITY TO CHICK-FIL-A
If it’s on a bumper sticker, it’s theology. If it’s on a chicken sandwich, it’s scripture. Meanwhile, your actual teachings are gathering dust like a 3rd grade recorder. “Turn the other cheek”? Nah. “Cast the first stone”? Already thrown. “Judge not”? They built an entire TV network on that.
THEY BANNED BOOKS, BUT NOT THE ONE WITH RAPE, WAR, AND GENOCIDE
“Think of the children!” they scream, banning The Bluest Eye and Gender Queer. Meanwhile, they hand those same kids a Bible with Lot’s daughters, concubines, and plagues galore and say, “This is bedtime reading.”
THEY CONFUSE RELIGIOUS TRAUMA WITH CHARACTER BUILDING
You gave people hope. They gave people conversion therapy. You embraced outcasts. They excommunicated teens who kissed the wrong person at prom. You turned water into wine. They turned depression into a sermon and called it healing.
THEY LOVE GUNS MORE THAN GRACE
Let me be blunt, J-Dog: Your followers would’ve shot you by Luke chapter two. “Turn the other cheek”? Try “Stand your ground.” They’re armed to the teeth, paranoid, and think WWJD means “Who Would Justify This Open Carry?”
THEY TREAT PRAYER LIKE CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR HATE
They pray for rain, then curse migrants fleeing droughts. They pray for life, then defund healthcare and leave mothers to die in labor. They pray for peace, then vote for war hawks and scream “Build the wall!” in the same breath as “God bless.”
THEY’VE REBRANDED GRIFT AS SALVATION
Prosperity gospel is in full swing, Jesus. Pastors in private jets are now doing YouTube ads for crypto. They’re selling salvation like it’s an MLM. Buy one baptism, get a prayer cloth free—just don’t ask where the donations go.
So yeah. Still here. Still reading your words. Still wondering how the people who chant your name the loudest seem to ignore every single thing you stood for.
You said the last shall be first. They said, “Not if they’re poor, trans, or undocumented.”
You said blessed are the peacemakers. They bought a flamethrower and blamed it on liberals.
You said judge not. They made judging a side hustle with a podcast and Patreon.
It’s 2025. We’ve got AI girlfriends, billionaires colonizing space, and people still think the Earth is 6,000 years old because their youth pastor got a concussion from abstinence-only sex ed. And we’re still stuck down here with your fanbase, Jesus.
So, buddy—anytime you wanna swing by and pick them up? Cool. Cool cool cool.
We’ll be here, quietly trying to love people without yelling about it, and hoping that next time someone claims to speak for you, they’ve at least read your book.