Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard has graciously bestowed upon the American people what she describes as “overwhelming evidence” that the Obama administration manipulated intelligence to make it look like Russia interfered in the 2016 election. Because when you think “neutral arbiter of truth,” you naturally think “Tulsi Gabbard with QAnon lighting and a ceremonial copy of the Constitution she carries for vibes.”
According to the newly declassified documents—likely printed on edible parchment and blessed by Steve Bannon himself—the Obama team apparently spent its final months not passing the torch but setting it on fire just to smoke out Donald Trump’s credibility. We can all agree this was completely unnecessary since Trump would do that himself… every time he opened his mouth.
A Timeline of Totally Normal Behavior:
- 2015: Russia gets bored of annexing things and decides to go phishing.
- 2016: Trump says, “Russia, if you’re listening…” and somehow people think this is subtle.
- 2017–2023: We endure eight years of arguing whether Russia hacked an election or just posted a lot of memes featuring Hillary Clinton with laser eyes.
- 2025: Tulsi Gabbard, now in her cosplay era as a CIA whistleblower by way of spiritual surfer, decides the real enemy was Obama’s WiFi all along.
Now, before you start shouting “deep state” into your Bluetooth speaker, let’s acknowledge what this really is: a masterclass in political rebranding. Gabbard, once a Democrat, now MAGA’s favorite warrior monk, is out here leaking documents like it’s WikiLeaks’ clearance sale. And while we’re here, let’s be clear—these revelations are being framed not as a call for systemic accountability but as a spiritual exorcism to cleanse Trump of any past wrongdoing. After all, if Russia didn’t hack the election, then maybe he did win the popular vote. (He didn’t.)
But let’s not lose focus—Gabbard might be declassifying documents, but no one is declassifying Epstein. Not his connections. Not his clients. Not even his pedophile pyramid scheme masquerading as a billionaire lifestyle.
Funny how the people screaming the loudest about “weaponized intelligence” seem curiously uninterested in the actual weaponization of power by someone who was literally running an underage sex ring on an island with a temple that looked like an escape room for the elite.
The Newest Episode of “Selectively Outraged”
It’s almost poetic: Gabbard wants transparency, but only the kind that lets her perform patriotism like it’s dinner theater. The audience? A mix of Red Hat Facebook Uncles and influencers who learned geopolitics from TikTok.
Meanwhile, Colbert’s show is canceled. Libraries are under attack. Journalists are doxxed for reporting on white supremacist rallies. But sure, this is the moment the truth is finally revealed.
Let’s not pretend this is about facts. This is a vibes-based political religion. If Trump walked into a press conference tomorrow and said, “Actually, I was on the island, but I didn’t inhale,” they’d applaud his honesty.
The Takeaway?
Gabbard’s document dump is the political equivalent of yelling “fire” in a burning building and expecting applause for your bravery. It’s not that the documents don’t deserve scrutiny—it’s that the sudden moral panic about intelligence manipulation only seems to emerge when Trump’s narrative needs a hero.
And in that story, Tulsi is ready for her close-up.
Just don’t ask her—or anyone else shouting “deep state!”—to name a single Epstein client. Because when it comes to exposing real power, the silence remains… overwhelming.