You wake up. You stare into your bathroom mirror. Your skin looks okay if you don’t turn sideways. You think, “I’m doing fine.”
You are, of course, lying.
But don’t worry. Help is here.
Introducing: Truthpaste™ — the world’s first toothpaste engineered to weaponize honesty.
Because nothing says “self-care” like crying into your sink at 7 a.m.
How Does It Work?
Truthpaste™ is activated by delusion, denial, and desperate rationalizations. Just apply a pea-sized amount to your toothbrush and begin reciting your morning mantras:
- “He’s not that emotionally unavailable.”
- “I’m not codependent, I’m loyal.”
- “Work-life balance is for people who aren’t passionate.”
- “I like my family.”
- “Voting third party isn’t throwing my vote away.”
By the third stroke, your mouth is on fire and your therapist just got a sixth sense that you’re spiraling again.
Flavor Profiles for Every Flavor of Denial:
- “He’ll Change” Chamomile – For the doormats, the fixers, the people dating grown men with the emotional range of a spoon.
- “This Is Fine” Fireball Mint – Perfect for those staying in jobs that are one passive-aggressive email away from a full psychotic break.
- “It’s Not Political” Peppermint – For your aunt who says she “just wants less government” but also believes gay teachers are part of a Satanic grooming agenda.
- “I’m Over It” Wintergreen – Bold enough to match the energy of pretending you’re healed when you still check their Instagram like it owes you rent.
Side Effects May Include:
- Sudden awareness of your own patterns
- Uncontrollable urges to block people mid-text
- Realizing you might actually be the toxic one
- Screaming into your steering wheel
- Writing 400-word captions on Instagram that start with “I don’t usually post like this but…”
Dentist Recommended? No. Therapist Approved? Also No. Spiritually Accurate? 100%.
Clinical trials were a disaster. Half the test group quit midweek after realizing they hadn’t felt joy since 2014. One woman ran directly into the woods after muttering “I thought he loved me.” A Republican took a single whiff of the tube and broke into a sweat while chanting “Fake news!”
Another subject, a 43-year-old man named Brad who lives alone with his podcast equipment, brushed once and collapsed. His last words were, “I thought Bitcoin would bounce back.”
Pairs Well With Our Other Products:
- Cognitive Dissonance Candle™ – Flicker gently while you gaslight yourself into thinking your parents did their best.
- The Masculinity Patch™ – A slow-release confidence patch so you can cry in public without blaming oat milk.
- iCope™ – An AI panic diffuser that reminds you you’re not Matt Gaetz.
Truthpaste™ isn’t just a hygiene product. It’s a wake-up call wrapped in fluoride. It doesn’t freshen your breath—it obliterates your self-delusion like a wrecking ball made of accountability.
Customer Reviews:
⭐☆☆☆☆ – “Too spicy.”
I just wanted mint, not my whole unresolved trauma. – Becky, 27
★★★★★ – “10/10, would spiral again.”
Finally confronted my mommy issues while flossing. It was time. – Marcus, 34
★★☆☆☆ – “Tastes like truth and regret.”
Lost two friends, quit my job, started therapy. Honestly? Iconic. – Tanya, 41
Truthpaste™: For When You’re Tired of Your Own Bullshit
In a world where everyone’s pretending to be fine, your mouth shouldn’t have to.
So slap some brutal honesty on your gums. Let it sear through the avoidance. Let it crack open the vault of things you haven’t dealt with since 2009. Let it burn.
Because if you’re going to say, “I’m doing great!” with a fake smile and Starbucks in hand—
—at least do it with minty-fresh, emotionally-scorched breath.