In a political climate already resembling a fever dream wrapped in a flag, Donald Trump managed to cram a full season’s worth of headlines into a single week. If you blinked, you might’ve missed something truly presidential—like fragrance drops or threats of billionaire deportation.
Here’s a breakdown of the chaos:
📱 Trump vs. AT&T: A Signal of Tyranny
Trump began the week by lashing out at AT&T—yes, the phone company—because a conference call with evangelical leaders allegedly dropped mid-sentence. Rather than chalk it up to bad reception or overworked servers, Trump took the opportunity to publicly berate AT&T as incompetent and accused them of “election interference.” He even demanded the CEO personally fix their service.
It’s one thing to be mad your FaceTime glitched. It’s another to turn it into a national security issue. We’re now one dropped call away from martial law.
💨 Victory 45‑47: The Scent of Power (and Litigation)
In what may be the most on-brand pivot since steaks and vodka, Trump launched his new fragrance line: Victory 45‑47. Retailing for $249, the cologne and perfume are described as evoking “Strength, Success, and Winning”—a bold claim for a man facing multiple indictments and pending court dates.
Critics questioned the timing, but insiders say it’s a strategic pivot: when your legal fund dries up, start bottling bravado.
Now you too can smell like golf carts, self-delusion, and spray tan.
🚀 Trump Threatens to Deport Elon Musk
After Elon Musk criticized Trump’s recent budget bill, the former president did what he does best: threaten revenge. Reports suggest Trump mused about “stripping Musk’s citizenship” and potentially revoking Tesla’s federal contracts—despite the minor inconvenience that Musk is a naturalized U.S. citizen and deportation isn’t exactly… how any of this works.
Still, the MAGA faithful cheered, proving once again that loyalty is conditional and logic is a liberal hoax.
🍔 Cold Burgers, Hot Takes: July 4th at Mar-a-Lago
America’s birthday was celebrated with all the pomp and circumstance of a defrosted freezer section. Guests at Trump’s July 4th bash were served reheated burgers from the day before—apparently part of a throwback to the “classic” fast food spreads of his White House days.
One guest described the scene as “delightfully dystopian,” noting that nothing says patriotism quite like soggy buns and lukewarm nationalism.
🧾 The “Big Beautiful Bill”: Billionaires Eat, the Poor Work
Capping off the week was Trump’s signing of the so-called “Big Beautiful Bill,” a massive tax-and-spending package that’s being called a win for the wealthy and a gut punch to low-income Americans. Among its many features: stricter work requirements for Medicaid and SNAP recipients, sweeping cuts to food aid, and—naturally—more tax breaks for top earners.
Trump praised the bill as “fiscally responsible,” though critics argue it’s more of a reverse-Robin Hood situation. In short: the poor get job apps, the rich get yacht fuel deductions.
In one week, Trump waged war on customer service, launched a perfume line, threatened a billionaire, microwaved democracy’s lunch, and signed a bill that makes poverty even harder to survive.
If this is what a comeback looks like, someone call the writers’ room—we’re in Season 8 of American Empire and the plotlines are officially off the rails.
Coming soon:
Trump launches a dating app for patriots, Elon live-tweets his own asylum request, and the Fourth of July gets rebranded as “Founding Father Friday” in partnership with MyPillow.
Stay fragrant, America.