In news that will shock absolutely no one who’s seen a senior citizen in a golf cart wearing three layers of bronzer and rage, Donald Trump has been diagnosed with chronic venous insufficiency (CVI)—which, to the medically uninitiated, translates roughly to: his veins are tired of the bullshit too.
According to White House Press Secretary and newly minted foot expert Karoline Leavitt, Trump’s legs are now officially as exhausted as the nation watching him shuffle through another election cycle. She delivered the announcement Thursday, clarifying that the swelling in Trump’s lower legs was “benign and common in individuals over 70,” as if that somehow also applied to fascist leanings and classified document hoarding.
“His legs are great. The best legs.”
CVI, for those keeping track on their Constitutionally-mandated bingo cards, means that the veins in Trump’s legs have basically gone on strike, refusing to do the one job they were hired for: returning blood to the heart. Much like some of his ex-staffers. The result is swelling, bruising, discomfort, and a general sensation of heaviness—which we can only assume is how America feels watching him return to the debate stage in orthopedic compression socks.
White House physician Dr. Sean Barbabella reassured the public that the condition is “benign and common,” which is also how his PR team described the insurrection until the zip ties came out.
He noted Trump is “in excellent health,” which, in political medical speak, is somewhere between “he’s upright” and “we found a pulse.” Barbabella also confirmed that Trump’s heart is still functioning normally, although many voters remain unconvinced he has one.
Bruised Hands, Bruised Egos
Leavitt addressed concerns about a visible bruise on Trump’s hand, claiming it was caused by “frequent handshaking and the use of aspirin.” Critics say this is suspiciously specific. Aspirin is for heart health; handshaking is for optics. And bruising from either? That’s just the body’s way of filing an HR complaint.
But don’t worry—Trump isn’t just taking this lying down. Unless it’s with his legs elevated at a 90-degree angle above a golden pillow embossed with Ivanka’s face. Treatment for CVI includes losing weight, exercising, and wearing compression stockings—which we’re told he’s now modeling around Mar-a-Lago like a Real Housewife of Deep Vein Awareness Month.
Reports suggest Steve Bannon tried to convince him the stockings were a deep state ankle monitor and Don Jr. offered to “juice his calves with elk testosterone.” Tiffany was unavailable for comment, presumably still blinking in Morse code.
The Metaphor You Didn’t Ask For
Let’s take a moment, though, to appreciate the poetry:
A man who spent decades pushing America to its feet is now being asked to put his up.
A man obsessed with strength, dominance, and appearing tall enough to haunt his own mugshot… is now advised to wear skin-tight leg tubes from Walgreens and avoid standing too long. Somewhere in Washington, the ghost of irony is doing laps in mesh compression sleeves.
What This Really Means
To be clear: we wish no physical harm on anyone. CVI is a manageable, non-life-threatening condition that millions of elderly people live with. But when the person with CVI is the same man who told America he had “perfect health,” mocked political opponents for looking “weak,” and once bragged he could stand on Fifth Avenue and shoot someone without losing a voter?
Well.
We’re allowed a smirk.
Because the legs may be tired, but the stench of unchecked power remains remarkably well-circulated.
And as Trump prepares to make his big comeback tour with legs wrapped tighter than his nondisclosure agreements, we’re left to wonder:
How many compression stockings does it take to hold up a democracy?
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