MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a stunning plot twist that nobody asked for but everyone kind of expected, former President Donald Trump has stepped up to defend Attorney General Pam Bondi, the woman best known for her soft-touch approach to men whose hobbies include owning private islands and ruining democracy.
Bondi’s name has resurfaced amid renewed scrutiny over her cozy handling of the Jeffrey Epstein case, but Trump, always ready to jump on a live grenade for loyalists (as long as it’s metaphorical and doesn’t mess up his hair), called the entire situation “a distraction” manufactured by Democrats.
“I don’t know why our people are so obsessed with this Epstein stuff,” Trump said while flanked by flags, steaks, and at least one man who thinks JFK Jr. is running for Senate. “We need to be focusing on real issues — like the massive, invisible voter fraud epidemic. Pam is a great woman. A classy woman. She looked into Epstein for, like, five minutes. That’s more than Obama ever did.”
Critics were quick to point out that defending someone accused of helping a serial predator escape justice might not be the best way to appeal to voters who once branded Hillary Clinton a child-trafficking vampire witch based on her email font.
But inside the MAGA kingdom, reactions were mixed.
One supporter in a bedazzled “Epstein Didn’t Kill Himself” hat shook his head in disappointment: “I love Trump, but Pam Bondi let a pedophile slide like it was amateur hour at SeaWorld. We’re supposed to drain the swamp, not give it a VIP pass.”
Another attendee at a Truth Social meet-up (also known as a Cracker Barrel parking lot) saw things differently: “Trump is playing 7D chess. If he says ignore Epstein, it’s probably because he’s already solved it in secret. Like the moon landing. Or taxes.”
Still, not everyone is taking the pivot lying down. A rogue faction of keyboard warriors within the MAGA movement — who’ve recently rebranded as “Q-but-Make-It-Accountable” — are demanding answers, and more importantly, a new villain. “If Pam’s off the table, who do we meme now?” one anonymous user lamented. “We already did Tom Hanks, Chrissy Teigen, and 92% of Disney.”
Meanwhile, Democrats, independents, and the deeply exhausted simply blinked at the headlines with the resigned sigh of a nation stuck in an endless loop of reruns. “Oh cool,” said one former swing voter. “So we’ve circled all the way back to ‘Epstein is fake, but voter fraud is real’? Got it. Let me know when we land on ‘reality.’”
In closing his remarks, Trump assured the crowd that Pam Bondi is “a very fine person,” adding that she “couldn’t possibly have done anything wrong, because if she had, I would’ve heard about it from Fox & Friends, which is basically the FBI now.”
No word yet on whether Epstein’s ghost plans to comment — though insiders say he’s been spotted in the Bahamas, sipping piña coladas with the ghost of accountability.
Sponsored by: Trump Steaks — Now in limited edition Epstein-Free packaging.
And the Pam Bondi Defense Fund: “Because enabling billionaires has always been bipartisan.”