So, Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office, tan lines deepening, hair defying physics, and nuclear codes resting comfortably next to his Diet Coke button. The man is currently eyeballing Iran like it’s a golf course he can bulldoze, muttering things like “We’re gonna do something big, folks. Huge. Maybe even explosive.” And while the world collectively clutches its pearls over the possibility of World War III, let us take a moment to thank the stars above that Kamala Harris isn’t president. Can you imagine the chaos?
Under Trump, we’re merely teetering on the edge of global annihilation. A couple of missiles, maybe a retaliatory strike or two—business as usual. But if Kamala Harris had been in charge? My god. We might all be forced to visit the doctor without going into medical debt. That’s not America. That’s socialism. That’s Canada in a pantsuit.
I mean, what’s a little nuclear tension compared to the terror of universal childcare? You want the government to watch your children and not traumatize them? Next you’ll be asking for paid family leave like some kind of functioning society. At least Trump keeps things predictable—unpredictable, yes, but predictably so. Kamala would be over there signing executive orders for maternal health access while Trump’s trying to rebrand NATO as “America’s European Fan Club.”
We’re lucky, truly. Trump’s idea of diplomacy is a Tweet that says “Iran = Losers” followed by a picture of him photoshopped as Rambo. But Kamala? She’d probably listen to other countries, and then—brace yourself—cooperate. That kind of respect for international law is exactly what would destroy our standing on the world stage. Who needs allies when you have bravado and a gold-plated bunker?
And can we talk about the economy? Sure, Trump might tank the dollar with every late-night truth he posts from his velvet-plated toilet, but at least he respects the hustle. Kamala, on the other hand, wants a living wage. The horror. You start paying people enough to live and next thing you know, billionaires might only own two yachts instead of four. It’s economic terrorism in flats.
Under Trump, billionaires thrive, workers survive, and we all pretend trickle-down economics isn’t just someone peeing from a balcony. Kamala would probably raise the minimum wage so people could actually afford rent. Which is gross. Poverty builds character. Hunger builds ambition. And if you can’t afford insulin, you clearly didn’t manifest hard enough.
Let’s also consider healthcare. Under Trump, healthcare is a fun little gamble. Will your plan cover this medication? Spin the wheel! Does your insurance count that hospital visit as “out-of-network” because you crossed the street too fast? Roll for initiative! Under Kamala, we might’ve gotten boring things like preventive care and mental health parity. And then what would we complain about at brunch?
And don’t even get me started on climate change. Trump thinks it’s a hoax invented by solar panels and Greta Thunberg. Kamala? She believes in science. Imagine that. A president listening to experts and trying to reduce carbon emissions like the planet isn’t one big disposable vape. Under her, we might’ve had environmental regulations again. You know what that means: fewer oil spills, cleaner air, and the end of Big Plastic’s dream to turn the ocean into a ziplock bag. Disgusting.
Under Trump, it’s not about science. It’s about vibes. About manifesting geopolitical dominance through PowerPoint slides and prayer circles hosted by Marjorie Taylor Greene. You can’t get that kind of energy from someone who reads intelligence briefings. Kamala would’ve ruined that with her whole “fact-based decision-making” thing. Weak.
People say Trump’s volatile, unstable, and possibly unaware that Iran is not part of the U.S. Virgin Islands. And maybe that’s true. But at least we’re not being subjected to Kamala’s fascist agenda of… dignity. Respect. Social safety nets. Can you imagine the roads being fixed without a corporate sponsorship? “This pothole smoothed by the Department of Transportation” instead of “brought to you by Chevron”? It’s un-American.
Plus, Trump brings entertainment. Every press conference is a game show. Every speech is a surrealist poem ghostwritten by a caps lock key. Kamala would probably be clear. Concise. Boring. We don’t want boring. We want Twitter meltdowns, fistfights at rallies, and policy dictated by gut instinct and whatever Fox News was airing ten minutes prior.
Let’s not forget cancel culture. Under Kamala, we might’ve seen consequences for elected officials caught on tape yelling slurs at waitstaff. Under Trump, those people are just “colorful characters” who get cabinet appointments. Diversity of thought, baby. Especially if those thoughts involve conspiracy theories and calling women “nasty.”
And let’s be real—Trump knows how to handle dissent. Peaceful protests? He’ll clear them with tear gas and a photo-op. Kamala? She might listen to the people. Acknowledge injustice. Maybe even attempt reform. And that kind of inclusive governance? That’s how democracy dies, folks. Not with a bang, but with accessible ballot boxes and equitable legislation.
So yes, we’re on the brink of war. But at least we’re not being burdened with clean energy, student debt relief, or universal healthcare. America is many things—but a safe, educated, equitable society? That’s Kamala’s nightmare fantasy. And thank God we were spared.
We’ll take the occasional apocalypse, thank you very much. Just as long as it comes with a side of tax cuts for the rich and the right to mispronounce “Iran” in front of NATO. Because this isn’t about progress. It’s about sticking it to the libs, even if it means dying in a mushroom cloud shaped like a thumbs-up.