In today’s episode of “Presidential Whiplash: Economic Edition,” the U.S. stock market took a nosedive, recovered slightly, then panic-tangoed in place after former President Donald Trump casually floated the idea of firing Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell—before later adding he “probably won’t.”
The Dow responded by doing a full emotional breakdown, the Nasdaq lit a scented candle and cried in a bath, and the S&P 500 took a Xanax.
“You’re Fired (Unless You’re Not)”
Speaking at what was supposed to be a routine rally-slash-televised therapy session, Trump said, “Jerome Powell—let me tell you—he’s very disloyal. Very disappointing. He raised rates when I told him not to. Terrible. Do I think he should be fired? Maybe. Should he be punished? Strongly maybe. Will I fire him? Unlikely, but also… possibly tomorrow.”
When asked for clarification, Trump responded with a long, winding metaphor involving bowling scores, inflation, and The Apprentice, before abruptly pivoting to complain about windmills again.
Jerome Powell Responds by Aging Four Years in Five Minutes
Fed Chair Jerome Powell, who previously described his job as “like babysitting a drunk toddler with nuclear codes,” gave a measured response:
“The Fed will continue to operate independently and in the best interest of the American economy, even if someone is screaming at us on Truth Social at 3 a.m.”
Sources close to Powell say he was later seen openly sobbing into a spreadsheet and muttering, “I should’ve taken that job at Trader Joe’s.”
Wall Street’s Emotional Damage
Traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange reportedly began twitching en masse after Trump’s comment, with one analyst whispering, “We can’t keep doing this. My portfolio has PTSD.”
In just two hours, the following occurred:
- Gold spiked
- Crypto dipped
- Mortgage rates sneezed
- And one hedge fund manager spontaneously combusted
The Real Economic Plan?
Trump’s proposed solution to inflation? “Lower interest, increase vibes, and just drill, baby, drill. Maybe gold-plated gas pumps.”
His energy plan reportedly includes the phrase “AI-controlled fracking robots” and a $50 billion line item labeled “miscellaneous revenge.”
Closing Thought: “Fiscal Policy, But Make It Unhinged”
This isn’t the first time Trump has created market turbulence with spontaneous mouth jazz, and it surely won’t be the last. Analysts say future volatility may depend less on economic indicators and more on whether Trump eats cheese before bedtime.
So sleep tight, America. Your financial future is being held hostage by a man who thinks Jerome Powell controls gravity.