As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a hedge maze into a lawn spiral. Sleep tight!
It’s truly a golden age of American governance, one in which public service experience has been bravely replaced with vibes, podcast appearances, and nepotistic name recognition. Consider this your official tour of President Trump’s cabinet: a lineup so questionable it makes the cast of The Apprentice look like the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Let’s start with Tulsi Gabbard, Director of National Intelligence, because nothing says “neutral intelligence gatherer” like a woman who once tried to yoga-pose her way to the White House and now spends half her airtime speaking in riddles on Joe Rogan. Between her three deployments and two thousand conspiracy theories, she’ll surely confuse our enemies into inaction.
Then there’s John Ratcliffe, head of the CIA, known not for his intelligence prowess, but for saying “yes” with startling frequency. In his free time, he enjoys long walks through redacted documents and pretending he didn’t once call for the execution of whistleblowers. He now presides over the most sensitive intelligence operations in the world. We’re told his only training is binge-watching Homeland.
Kristi Noem, a governor who once wrote a bestselling memoir on “Not My First Rodeo,” now runs the Department of Homeland Security. Because nothing prepares you for intercepting domestic terror cells quite like raising three kids and driving a tractor.
Pam Bondi, our Attorney General, has been seen more frequently on Fox News defending felons than prosecuting them. If you thought Merrick Garland moved slowly, wait until you see Bondi tie up a RICO case with Instagram filters and a prayer circle.
The Secretary of Education is checks notes Linda McMahon, who brought us WWE, body slams, and the phrase “Stone Cold Stunner.” Now she’s shaping your kid’s science curriculum. Because if there’s one thing school needs more of, it’s kayfabe and pile-drivers.
Kelly Loeffler, as Administrator of the Small Business Administration, has all the relatability of a platinum AmEx. She once bought a Senate seat like it was a Birkin bag and now leads the charge for Main Street America, presumably from a private jet. Just ignore the part where her businesses made more off crypto than actual goods and services.
Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense, comes straight from the Fox & Friends war college. His resume includes painting war helmets on kids and somehow missing that Guantanamo was not a vacation destination.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Secretary of Health and Human Services, has spent the last decade telling people that vaccines are a government ploy to implant microchips. Now he oversees public health. This is not a drill, but he’ll tell you the flu shot is.
Chris Wright, Secretary of Energy, is known for shouting at clouds—specifically renewable ones—and thanking North Face for his oil-based fleece. His energy policy is: “Burn everything and pray.”
Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Agriculture, once led the Domestic Policy Council and is now defending Monsanto with Texas grit and a gallon of RoundUp.
Sean Duffy, Secretary of Transportation, is best known for being on The Real World, which is ironic because he seems utterly detached from it. His infrastructure strategy involves more lumberjack challenges and less understanding of actual roads.
Meanwhile, Howard Lutnick, Secretary of Commerce, made billions by innovating the speed of trades on Wall Street and now wants to disrupt international trade like it’s his old hedge fund. Hope you enjoy your $800 cucumbers!
And Marco Rubio, as Secretary of State, is bringing his unique brand of “speak passionately and do nothing” to the global stage. We expect him to tweet boldly at China and then quietly ask them for a loan.
Rounding out the ensemble, we have:
- Scott Turner, a former NFL player, now telling struggling tenants to “play through the pain” at HUD.
- Lori Chavez-DeRemer, a former parks committee member now regulating labor markets—because if you can manage a picnic area, you can handle the Teamsters.
- Doug Collins, the guy who once yelled through a congressional hearing like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, now in charge of veterans’ affairs.
- Scott Bessent, Secretary of the Treasury, who brings hedge fund energy and “I went to Yale, therefore I understand working people” vibes.
- Jamieson Greer, U.S. Trade Representative, known for making sure our trade policy benefits the most oppressed group of all: billionaires.
So yes, the terror prevention response is in the hands of a kid who listed “Team Lead at Sprouts” on his LinkedIn. But at least he fits right in with the rest of this Cabinet, where every résumé reads like a prank, every appointment a dare, and every qualification an afterthought.
America: land of the free, home of the increasingly baffling hiring practices.