Meanwhile, the Epstein security system took a lunch break… permanently.
In the latest episode of America’s favorite political telenovela, the FBI has apparently decided to play a high-stakes game of Uno in reverse—by investigating former FBI Director James Comey and former CIA Director John Brennan over their roles in the Trump-Russia investigation.
Yes, you read that correctly. The Bureau is now turning its federal magnifying glass on… its former bosses. Somewhere, a circular firing squad is warming up.
This marks the first time in U.S. history that an agency has tried to indict its own reflection in the mirror.
“Don’t Worry, It’s All Very Normal”
According to unnamed officials (read: probably just a guy who used to clean a server room in Langley), the investigation is focused on whether Comey and Brennan “overstepped” during the Trump-Russia probe.
Translation: “We didn’t like being investigated, so now it’s your turn, nerds.”
When asked for comment, James Comey responded by staring blankly into a cornfield for five minutes, while John Brennan reportedly threw his phone into a body of water and whispered, “It’s always the quiet coups.”
Meanwhile, In EpsteinLand™
As if that weren’t enough paranoia for one news cycle, we’ve also returned to that long-running true crime circus known as the Jeffrey Epstein Investigation, or as it’s more accurately known: The Case of the Perpetual Shrug.
The big news? There’s reportedly one minute of jailhouse surveillance footage that’s missing, but officials have reassured the public that this was due to a “routine system reset.”
You know, like when your Wi-Fi goes out at exactly the same moment your millionaire sex trafficker mysteriously dies in federal custody. Happens all the time.
“The Client List? Sorry, That Was on VHS”
Public outcry has continued to grow over the fact that Epstein’s client list remains sealed tighter than the Vatican’s group chat.
And yet—amazingly—the list still seems to be blamed only on Democrats, even though Trump once said Epstein “likes them young” and hosted him at Mar-a-Lago so often the guy practically had his own beach cabana.
But sure. Let’s focus on whether Barack Obama ever ordered pizza near an elite school.
Political Reactions: The Clown Car Is Now Full
Across the political spectrum, responses have ranged from “This is a distraction!” to “This is justice!” to “Wait, didn’t we already do this in 2019?”
Senators who once championed the intelligence community are now treating it like the cast of Mean Girls. Meanwhile, fringe influencers are declaring victory over “The Deep State,” while live-streaming from their mom’s basements next to expired MREs and a tactical fanny pack.
Final Thoughts: The Ouroboros Files
So let’s recap:
- The FBI is investigating the FBI.
- The CIA is suspicious of its own memos.
- Epstein’s death remains a high-level “oopsie.”
- The client list is a myth. Or real. But definitely unreadable.
- And America, somehow, is still just trying to afford eggs.
If this feels like a dystopian reboot of Scooby-Doo where everyone’s pulling off everyone else’s mask only to find the same face underneath—congratulations. You’re paying attention.
Now reboot the surveillance system and pass the popcorn. The next episode is probably already classified.