Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Today, November 28th, my heart is overflowing with a warmth that has nothing to do with oven temperatures and everything to do with genuine connection. My Thanksgiving was, for the first time in what feels like forever, a profound act of peace, devoid of the usual holiday tension. We had the immense pleasure of hosting Matthew’s family this year – his wonderful mom, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. The table groaned under the weight of glorious classics: perfectly roasted turkey, savory stuffing, creamy corn casserole, the always-divisive but beloved green bean casserole, fluffy mashed potatoes, decadent macaroni and cheese, and my personal weakness, deviled eggs. For dessert, both pecan and pumpkin pie, ensuring every sweet tooth was satisfied. It was a feast, a true gathering of joy and acceptance.
And it’s precisely this deeply peaceful, genuinely harmonious experience that brings me to today’s topic, one that always generates a particular kind of internal atmospheric pressure for me: The unspoken, utterly absurd expectation that queer folks (and indeed, many others from marginalized communities) should simply endure hostile, ignorant, or outright bigoted family members during the holidays, all in the name of ‘keeping the peace.’ My Thanksgiving was peaceful because no one had to hide who they were, and no one was asked to shrink. And frankly, that’s how it should always be.
The Myth of ‘Keeping the Peace’: When Silence Becomes Complicity
The holiday season, particularly Thanksgiving, is often painted with a saccharine brush: a time for family, unity, and goodwill. And while that ideal is lovely, the reality for many is a minefield of uncomfortable conversations, thinly veiled prejudices, and exhausting emotional labor. The prevailing social script demands that marginalized individuals (LGBTQ+ people, people of color, those with differing political views, etc.) swallow their dignity, tolerate microaggressions, and engage in forced pleasantries with relatives who, for 364 other days of the year, might actively deny their rights or spout hateful rhetoric. All for “peace.”
But what kind of “peace” is that, really? It’s a false peace, built on silence, self-erasure, and the implicit validation of bigotry. It’s a one-sided disarmament, where the vulnerable are expected to absorb the blows for the sake of a superficial harmony.
- Shrinking to Make Others Comfortable: The demand to “just let it go,” “don’t make a scene,” or “they don’t mean anything by it” is a direct request to shrink your authentic self. It’s an insistence that your identity, your boundaries, or your fundamental rights are less important than someone else’s comfort in their own prejudice. It asks you to make yourself smaller, to dull your own light, so that someone else doesn’t have to confront their own biases. That’s not peace; that’s emotional self-mutilation.
- The Burden of Education (or Inaction): The unspoken expectation is often that it’s our job to patiently educate those who refuse to learn, to engage in endless, often fruitless, debates about our own humanity. Or, conversely, to simply endure their ignorance in silence. This is exhausting labor. The burden of creating a respectful environment should not fall solely on those whose very existence is being debated.
- Normalizing Bigotry: When we tolerate blatant homophobia, racism, sexism, or transphobia at the dinner table—even in the form of “jokes” or “opinions”—we normalize it. We implicitly signal that such behavior is acceptable, that it’s just “Uncle Bob being Uncle Bob.” This allows prejudice to fester and grow, extending its reach beyond the holiday table and into the broader social atmosphere.
- The Toll on Mental Health: Forcing yourself to endure disrespect, to suppress your true feelings, and to perform gratitude in the face of invalidation takes an immense toll on mental well-being. It exacerbates trauma, fuels anxiety, and can lead to profound emotional exhaustion and a sense of profound loneliness even amidst family.
My Thanksgiving Rebellion: Choosing Authentic Peace
This Thanksgiving, my table was a sanctuary. We had the absolute joy of hosting Matthew’s family—his wonderful mom, his brother, and his brother’s girlfriend. This was our first Thanksgiving together as a couple, and the very first time I was truly integrated into such a core family holiday. And it was genuinely, beautifully peaceful.
Why? Because no one at that table had to hide who they were. No one was asked to shrink. Matthew, with his undeniable warmth and easygoing charm, seamlessly blended into my world, and his family, in turn, embraced me with genuine kindness and acceptance. There was no need for delicate political maneuvers, no dodging of uncomfortable questions, no forced smiles in the face of thinly veiled slurs. The conversation flowed freely, filled with laughter, shared stories, and genuine connection. We celebrated our abundance, our togetherness, and the sheer delight of good food and good company.
This is what “keeping the peace” should actually mean: cultivating an environment built on mutual respect, genuine acceptance, and unconditional love. It’s not about silencing the marginalized; it’s about challenging the prejudice that creates the conflict in the first place. My Thanksgiving was peaceful because the inherent worth of every person at that table was assumed, not debated.
A Call to Action: Reclaiming Our Holidays
So, as the holiday season continues its march, I urge you to consider the true cost of “keeping the peace” at your own dinner tables.
- Prioritize Your Well-being: You are not obligated to subject yourself to abuse or disrespect, even from family. Your mental and emotional health are paramount.
- Set Boundaries: It’s okay to politely (or not-so-politely, depending on the severity) disengage, to leave the room, or to even skip holiday gatherings if they are consistently harmful. Your boundaries are a form of self-love.
- Challenge, Don’t Tolerate: If you are in a position of privilege, use your voice. Don’t let racist, homophobic, sexist, or transphobic comments slide. A quiet word, a direct challenge, or a simple change of topic can disrupt the normalization of bigotry.
- Cultivate Your Chosen Family: Invest your energy in the people who truly see, accept, and celebrate you for who you are. These are the individuals who will provide the genuine peace and love that lasts far beyond any fleeting holiday gathering.
My Thanksgiving was a powerful reminder that true unity isn’t about forced pleasantries with those who deny your worth. It’s about surrounding yourself with people who genuinely fill your heart with joy, who make you feel safe, loved, and unequivocally seen. This is my holiday rebellion: to choose joy, to choose authenticity, and to cultivate peace that stems from genuine acceptance, not from polite silence. And that, my friends, is a Thanksgiving truly worth celebrating.
What are your thoughts on “keeping the peace” during holidays? How do you navigate challenging family dynamics? Share your perspective below – let’s discuss how to truly cultivate respectful gatherings!