Now available in three flavors: Blame-Free Bourbon, Gym Bro Musk, and Silent Cry in a Ford F-150.
For generations, society has coddled fragile masculinity like it’s a rare bird we must preserve—despite the fact that it keeps shitting on everything. We’ve tiptoed around egos, handed out participation trophies for bare minimum fatherhood, and applauded every grunt like it’s a TED Talk.
But no more. The future has arrived. And it’s adhesive.
Introducing The Masculinity Patch™: a revolutionary new device designed to deliver slow, sustained doses of self-worth directly into the bloodstream—without the need for punching drywall or blaming oat milk for the collapse of Western civilization.
Because let’s be honest: we can’t keep having emotional hostage situations every time a man is asked to share his feelings, put down a gun, or accept that Barbie grossed more than The Flash.
What’s in the Box?
Each Masculinity Patch™ Starter Kit includes:
- 30 slow-release patches made of recycled ego.
- A QR code linking to a playlist of Jordan Peterson speeches auto-translated into affirmations like “You’re safe even if she makes more money.”
- One emergency duct tape strip for when the patch won’t stick due to excessive body oil and denial.
How Does It Work?
The Masculinity Patch™ uses patented technology known as “Common Decency Microdosing” to bypass the emotional constipation that’s been clogging American manhood since the invention of truck nuts.
Once applied (to the bicep, neck, or directly over a tribal tattoo), the patch begins releasing trace amounts of the following:
- Accountability Extract – Helps the user say things like “I was wrong” without combusting.
- Empathy Oil – Reduces the risk of screaming “Not All Men” when someone else is harmed.
- Hormonal Humility – Temporarily disables the reflex to offer unsolicited bench press stats on first dates.
Side effects may include: crying during The Notebook, tipping baristas more than $1, and letting women speak uninterrupted.
Real Men™ Reviews
“Before the patch, I thought therapy was for quitters. Now I cry twice a week and have boundaries. My barbell respects me more for it.”
— Blake, 29, former Sigma Male, now a functioning adult.
“I used to think the patriarchy was a BuzzFeed myth. Then I patched up, and boom—turns out women weren’t making it up! Who knew?”
— Derek, 42, Jeep owner, divorced by someone who deserved better.
“Tried it as a joke. Ended up reading a book by a woman. My dad hasn’t spoken to me since. 10/10 would recommend.”
— Kyle, 25, frat-adjacent.
Warning Signs You (or a Loved One) Might Need the Patch
- Thinks the WNBA is “ruining sports.”
- Says “real men don’t cry” but has threatened to sue over a Twitter joke.
- Believes oat milk is a government plot to emasculate the nation.
- Yells “woke” whenever a woman is the lead character in a film.
- Owns more guns than friends.
If symptoms persist, apply two patches and read a book without punching it.
But What About Testosterone?
Don’t worry, gym bros. The Masculinity Patch™ has been engineered not to interfere with your daily intake of brotein, creatine, or conspiracy theories. You’ll still be able to deadlift, shotgun Bud Light (ironically), and get into online arguments with strangers about whether Batman could beat Captain Marvel “if it were fair.”
We’re not here to feminize you. We’re here to humanize you—so you can walk past a mirror without blaming minorities or weeping softly into a copy of Fight Club.
Field-Tested on Influencers and Politicians
Our beta group included several notable test subjects:
- Senator Buck Rawlinson (R-TX): Once claimed feminism made him impotent. Now attends weekly couples therapy and has stopped saying “alpha” unironically.
- Tucker Brogan (@FreedomGrit99): Former lifestyle influencer. After just two weeks on the patch, he admitted pronouns aren’t a war crime.
- “Chad Supreme” YouTube host: Removed all anti-vax rants and now makes kombucha. We can’t stop him. But he’s calmer.
Available Now Wherever Insecurity Is Sold
You can find The Masculinity Patch™ online, at Tractor Supply, and ironically, in every Target Men’s Grooming aisle wedged between beard oil and a scented candle labeled “Mahogany Dominance.”
We’re even working on a Junior Edition for boys ages 8-12, because apparently we start gender trauma earlier than puberty now. (“Little League coaches should not be life coaches, just saying.”)
FAQs
Q: Will this make me gay?
A: No. It might make you pleasant. That’s the fear, isn’t it?
Q: Can I take it off if I start feeling feelings?
A: You can. But we’ll know. And so will your daughter.
Q: Is it waterproof?
A: Yes, even under the tears you never admitted to having.
Conclusion: Patch Up or Shut Up
Masculinity is not toxic. But a version of it—untreated, unexamined, and emotionally barren—absolutely is. The Masculinity Patch™ won’t turn you into a soy boy, a beta cuck, or whatever other slur the manchild subreddit invented this week.
It’ll just let you breathe. Apologize. Grow. Like a person.
And if that feels like weakness to you?
You might want to double up on the dosage.