Congratulations. It’s 2025. The world is on fire (literally), the government thinks empathy is socialism, and you’ve once again cried in your car while pretending to be on a conference call. But fear not, because capitalism heard your despair and did what it does best: monetized it.
Introducing: The iCope™—your pocket-sized emotional support device that doesn’t require a co-pay, a waiting list, or the emotional availability your father never had.
Now With More Features Than Your Therapist Has Appointments
The iCope isn’t just a gadget. It’s a glorified Xanax Pez dispenser dressed up in sleek aluminum. At the first sign of spiraling—like when your ex posts a gym thirst trap or the Supreme Court leaks another medieval ruling—it kicks in with the affirmations you didn’t know you needed:
- “Hey, at least you’re not Matt Gaetz.”
- “You remembered pants today. That’s something.”
- “This country is already a dumpster fire. Your meltdown won’t make it worse.”
- “You’re not the problem. The system is. And also maybe your mother.”
All in a soothing voice that vaguely resembles Morgan Freeman, if Morgan Freeman were done with your shit.
Subscription Tier Breakdown: Because Healing Should Be Paywalled
- Basic ($4.99/month): You get 3 affirmations a week, and one free “you got this” after every political headline that induces cardiac arrhythmia.
- Premium ($14.99/month): Includes emergency coping quotes from Alanis Morissette and occasional alerts reminding you not to text your ex, even if Mercury is in Gatorade.
- Platinum Sad Bitch Deluxe ($29.99/month): Comes with a Bluetooth fidget cube, free delivery on bourbon, and a daily personalized roast from a retired therapist who now sells crystals on Etsy.
Bonus: Built-in Xanax dispenser. (Prescription sold separately. You didn’t think Big Pharma was giving you a break, did you?)
Compatible With All Major Meltdowns
- Death scrolling Twitter at 2 a.m.? It gently electrocutes your thumbs.
- Panic attack in Trader Joe’s? Activates “breathe, bitch” mode with rhythmic haptic pulses.
- Unexpected childhood trauma flashback? iCope launches “Don’t Unpack That Now™”—a playlist of 90s songs and passive-aggressive distraction techniques.
- Another mass shooting headline? It powers down automatically because honestly, what’s the point?
User Testimonials (Probably Stolen From Reddit)
🗣️ “I screamed at my boss, cried in my car, and dropped my Chipotle. iCope whispered ‘You’re doing your best.’ I almost believed it.”
🗣️ “It told me to hydrate instead of retaliate. That’s growth, I guess.”
🗣️ “My therapist ghosted me. iCope didn’t.”
Product Warning: May Malfunction During Family Holidays
The iCope has a known software glitch when exposed to unsolicited opinions from uncles named Ron. If it hears the phrase “back in my day,” it will self-destruct to spare you further emotional labor.
Software update expected Q4. Maybe.
Add-Ons Sold Separately:
- Gaslighter Blocker™ – Emits a high-pitched whine every time someone says “You’re being too sensitive.”
- Boundary Mode – Electrifies when you’re about to agree to something you absolutely don’t want to do.
- Toxic Positivity Filter – Replaces “Everything happens for a reason” with “This is bullshit, and it’s okay to say so.”
Finally, a Device That Understands:
You don’t need a sunrise yoga session. You need an affordable coping mechanism that doesn’t come with side effects like “involuntary celibacy” or “accidentally joining a cult.”
You need something that validates your spiraling, reminds you you’re still functional enough to fold a towel, and maybe—just maybe—stops you from calling your senator and screaming into the void. Again.
The iCope™. Because America sure as hell isn’t going to comfort you.
Available wherever overpriced anxiety aids are sold. Also in the checkout line at CVS, next to the batteries and existential dread.