There are certain phrases that set off alarm bells in the American psyche: “new variant,” “Taylor Swift drops surprise album,” and of course, “bipartisan interest in the Jeffrey Epstein case.” That last one? That’s our national Bat-Signal for someone’s sweating in a congressional back room while texting their lawyer in Morse code.
Because nothing unites the red and blue quite like the beige panic of shared guilt. Suddenly, Republicans and Democrats—who typically can’t agree on the temperature in a meat locker—are linking arms in a rare display of unity, demanding more information about the Epstein case. More documents, more names, more “flight logs” that read like the RSVP list to a morally bankrupt Coachella.
And who’s conspicuously not interested? President Trump, who, when asked about further investigation into Epstein, offered the rhetorical equivalent of a shrug wrapped in hairspray. “Not a priority,” he says, possibly while sorting through a Mar-a-Lago scrapbook labeled Blackmail Material: Do Not Open (Seriously, Don Jr., Put It Back).
But let’s not get distracted—because this isn’t just about Epstein, the billionaire ghoul with a private island and a Rolodex of regret. This is also about the Federal Reserve Chair, who may or may not be wondering if their job security depends on how well they can dodge a presidential tweetstorm.
According to whispers louder than Lindsey Graham in a Chick-fil-A, there are discussions—some legal, others just vaguely threatening—about whether the President might attempt to fire the Fed Chair. Which raises questions like: “Can he?” “Should he?” and “Why is everyone pretending this isn’t happening while the economy teeters like a drunk toddler on roller skates?”
Meanwhile, the Justice Department is once again doing what it does best: playing a thrilling game of Whac-A-Mole with its own ethical compass. Allegations of improper conduct are swirling faster than Rudy Giuliani’s hair dye on a humid day. Is it political meddling? Is it incompetence? Is it Tuesday?
Whatever it is, it’s enough to spark a new wave of hearings, memos, and that time-honored tradition: C-SPAN footage of elected officials asking questions they don’t actually want answered.
Let’s recap this Washington-themed fever dream:
- Epstein Case: Suddenly everyone wants the truth… just not their truth.
- Federal Reserve Chair: Might need a lawyer. Or a therapist. Possibly both.
- Justice Department: Holding onto the word “justice” with all the conviction of a toddler caught with a permanent marker.
And through it all, the American public is expected to keep calm, carry on, and pretend this isn’t the plot of a rejected House of Cards reboot.
But let’s be real: most of us are too numb to flinch. We’ve been emotionally waterboarded by years of political spectacle and moral bankruptcy disguised as civic engagement. At this point, the only thing that could truly shock us is someone telling the truth on live television without immediately backpedaling on Truth Social.
So if you’re keeping score at home, here’s the vibe: A political circus where the elephants and donkeys both smell like guilt, and the ringmaster is missing—probably off giving a campaign speech in a steakhouse or sending all-caps threats to the weather service.
But if all this makes you want to scream into a void or binge-watch Sullivan’s Crossing, may I suggest a different form of escapism?
Try a book. Not just any book.
One of my damn books.
They’re sharp, satirical, occasionally devastating, and available to read for free with Kindle Unlimited.
You’re welcome. No subpoena required.