July 4, 2025 – Washington, D.C. (formerly known as the seat of democracy, now mostly just a themed escape room with worse puzzles)
Happy Independence Day, America.
While you’re lighting sparklers and dodging Uncle Randy’s racist fireworks rants, the government is signing its final love letter to authoritarianism—The Big Beautiful Bill.
That’s not satire. That’s what they actually named it.
Because apparently “The Death Rattle of the Republic Act” didn’t test well with suburban voters.
What’s in The Big Beautiful Bill?
Short answer: everything your civics teacher had nightmares about.
Long answer:
- A permanent executive immunity clause for any former or current president who “intended to serve the nation with heart.” (Yes, that’s the actual legal language—with heart.) Translation: If you commit treason while feeling patriotic about it, you’re good.
- Voting regulations now include: ID, utility bill, proof of ancestry, and three written essays on why you’re not woke. Also, polling places in low-income areas will be replaced with vending machines that only take crypto.
- The Department of Education is now overseen by a rotating panel of YouTubers, including a woman who once said the moon landing was “gender propaganda.”
- All books will be reviewed by the National Morality Council (made up of six televangelists, two MyPillow executives, and a taxidermied copy of Atlas Shrugged).
- LGBTQ+ rights? Didn’t make the table of contents. Instead, the bill introduces something called “The Family Re-Strengthening Clause,” which sounds like a Christian fitness DVD but is actually a federally funded campaign to erase queer identity with cake frosting and repression.
- A clause that quietly sells off three national parks to Bass Pro Shops and Chick-fil-A. Don’t worry, Yellowstone will be renamed YeOldeChickenRange™. The geysers now erupt in “Blessed BBQ Smoke.”
Why July 4th?
Because if you’re going to kill democracy, you do it wearing flag boxers with Bruce Springsteen on loop.
The signing ceremony included:
- A bald eagle flapping slowly through a cloud of vape smoke from Ted Cruz’s entourage
- A cake shaped like the Constitution (they ate it with forks shaped like assault rifles)
- A 21-gun salute accidentally aimed at a climate protest
- And a closing prayer where God was asked to “bless this nation as it returns to its natural state: wealthy, armed, and heterosexual”
This wasn’t governance. It was a themed birthday party for fascism with a MAGA gift bag.
The Press Conference Was a Masterclass in Gaslight Theatre™
“Today is a beautiful day for freedom,” one senator declared, moments after voting to criminalize protest near federal buildings.
Another praised the bill for “protecting children,” as it stripped school libraries of everything more diverse than Charlotte’s Web.
The President signed the bill with a pen made from melted-down COVID masks and said, “This is what the Founders would’ve wanted,” while standing in front of a backdrop of exploding flags and stock footage of fireworks over Mar-a-Lago.
Meanwhile, the Rest of Us…
We’re supposed to celebrate.
Celebrate what?
The illusion?
The cake made of sawdust and slogans?
We’re being told this bill will make America stronger. More united. More secure.
But if that’s true, why does it feel like we just watched someone bury the Bill of Rights in a red, white, and blue coffin while the National Anthem played on a loop at 1.5x speed?
Final Thoughts: God Bless This Hollowed-Out Waffle House of a Country
The Big Beautiful Bill is not law. It’s performance art. It’s cosplay tyranny. It’s what happens when a political party decides freedom is inconvenient and decides to swap it for vibes, vengeance, and vaguely worded legal immunity.
So yes—celebrate this 4th of July.
Light your fireworks. Eat your grilled meats. Sing your songs.
But know this:
Today, the stars aren’t shining. They’re gasping.
The stripes aren’t waving. They’re binding.
And that big beautiful bill? It’s not patriotic.
It’s a eulogy with confetti.