Some people wield words like weapons. Others prefer subtle daggers of silence. Me? I’ve got the side-eye.
Not just any side-eye. I’m talking about a calculated, well-seasoned, generationally perfected look that says everything I don’t need to vocalize — with just a flick of the eyeball. My abuela had it. My mother could do it from across a church pew. And now, I, too, am a proud practitioner of the noble art of saying “absolutely not” with my face.
If communication is a spectrum, then the side-eye is the punctuation mark at the end of “You’ve got me all the way messed up.”
What Is the Side-Eye?
For the uninitiated (bless your hearts), the side-eye is a non-verbal glance — usually brief, often devastating — that communicates judgment, disbelief, disapproval, amusement, or a cocktail of all four.
It’s the silent sibling of “Oh really?” and the distant cousin of “You tried it.” And it’s a universal language. Every culture has it, every grandmother has mastered it, and every child knows the icy chill of being on the receiving end of it when acting up in public.
A Side-Eye For Every Occasion
Not all side-eyes are created equal. There’s nuance. Flavor. Intention.
- The “Oh, You Thought” Side-Eye: Reserved for bold lies and confident wrongness. Someone tells you they “only had one drink,” but their breath says Jägerbombs and regret? Side-eye.
- The “Try Me” Side-Eye: Best used when someone inches toward the last nerve you haven’t already donated to charity. This is the look that makes even brave toddlers reconsider their life choices.
- The “Bless Your Heart” Side-Eye: Southern. Polite. Lethal. Often delivered with a tight smile and just enough sweetness to confuse the target into wondering if they’ve just been complimented or cursed.
- The “We’re Silently Judging Together” Side-Eye: Shared with a trusted friend across a room when someone says something ridiculous. This one doesn’t just say “did you hear that?” — it says “I love that we’re telepathically bonded in this moment.”
Training and Technique
Let’s be clear: the perfect side-eye doesn’t just happen. It’s a skill. A lifestyle. A calling.
Eyebrow Control: Crucial. One raised, one lowered — or, if you’re especially gifted, a barely perceptible twitch that suggests deep disapproval without full commitment.
Neck Movement: A slight tilt helps deliver the drama. Full turn? Too aggressive. Keep it subtle. Remember, we are not giving them the honor of a full frontal confrontation.
Timing: The key to a devastating side-eye is timing. Too early and they miss it. Too late and you look like you’re developing a cramp. Deliver it right as the nonsense escapes their mouth.
Facial Stillness: A true artist doesn’t crack. No smirk. No snort. Let the eyes do the talking while the rest of the face remains a stone-cold wall of judgment.
Why It Works
Because sometimes, talking is too generous. The side-eye is efficient. It bypasses language and hits the ego directly. It’s also a little less likely to get you reported to HR, depending on how you wield it.
In relationships, it’s shorthand. Matthew knows when he’s walked the line just from the corner of my glance. I don’t even have to speak — the side-eye has spoken. And yet, there’s love in it. It’s part of our unspoken communication contract. Just like how Daisy, my chihuahua daughter, gives me side-eye when I dare to cuddle someone who isn’t her. It’s how we show affection — by mildly judging each other without saying a word.
When Not To Use It (Rare, But Necessary)
- Courtrooms
- Job interviews
- Any situation where being caught mid-glance would require a full apology and a performance review
Basically, use discretion. The side-eye is powerful, and with great power comes great potential to end friendships, start arguments, or accidentally ruin brunch.
Final Thoughts from the Side
We live in a world full of noise. Hot takes. Oversharing. Opinion pieces (hi). But the side-eye remains timeless — a quiet act of rebellion, a smirk of the soul, a reminder that even in silence, we can speak volumes.
So go forth. Practice in the mirror. Hone your craft. Let your eyes say what your mouth doesn’t have the energy to. And when the moment is right, unleash it with the full force of your ancestors behind you.
Because sometimes, all the communication you need is a perfectly timed glance that says, “Absolutely not. Next.”