If there’s one thing House Republicans care about, it’s fitness. Physical fitness. Mental fitness. Political fitness. Fitness to serve, fitness to lead, fitness to blink in time with the national anthem.
And so, in a bold bipartisan act of historical concern, the GOP has launched a sweeping investigation into former President Joe Biden’s cognitive ability during his time in office—a time when, if memory serves, they were mostly screaming about gas stoves and critical race theory in cereal mascots.
This, we are told, is about accountability. About protecting the sacred trust between the American people and their commander-in-chief. And definitely not about projection, distraction, or the fact that their own standard-bearer recently tried to fist-bump a flag and called Hungary’s dictator the president of Turkey.
But let’s not rush to judgment. Perhaps there’s wisdom in retroactively investigating Biden’s fitness. After all, nothing says forward momentum like obsessively scrutinizing the mental clarity of a man who no longer holds office. That’s governance, baby. We’re doing history in reverse.
The committee hearings have all the subtlety of a high school group project performed entirely by kids who forgot the assignment. Former White House physicians have been grilled. Cognitive tests waved like scented prayer cloths. The phrase “sharp as a tack” now treated as admissible medical evidence.
And what exactly is the smoking gun? A clip of Biden pausing mid-sentence. A photo of him holding someone’s elbow. A moment where he mixes up a name—a practice otherwise known as Tuesday in the Trump administration.
Let us not forget: this sudden concern over “mental fitness” is coming from a party whose current nominee once ranted about sharks, windmills, and electric boats in the same breath and whose idea of oratory excellence involves yelling “sir” at imaginary generals.
If Biden paused during a speech, Trump stopped speaking altogether and instead tried to summon Lincoln with the power of squinting. If Biden tripped on a sandbag, Trump declared Revolutionary War soldiers seized airports in 1776.
And yet here we are, parsing syllables like they’re classified intelligence. “Did Biden mean to say Ukraine? Or was it Uruguay? Is this treason or just treason-adjacent?” Meanwhile, Trump is out here slurring his way through a rally like a man who just woke up from a NyQuil coma and mistook a teleprompter for a microwave.
The hypocrisy isn’t new. But what’s impressive is the commitment. The sheer Olympic-level mental gymnastics required to question Biden’s recall while endorsing a man who thought the nuclear triad was a band. Who pointed at the solar eclipse. Who once recommended injecting bleach during a global pandemic like he was hosting Shark Tank: Pathogen Edition.
But please—do tell us more about how Biden took a long blink and what that means for democracy.
This isn’t just irony. It’s performance art. It’s giving “concerned parent at a school board meeting who secretly watches InfoWars in the pantry.” The GOP isn’t investigating Biden’s brain because they’re worried. They’re investigating it because they know exactly what’s going on with their own guy—and distraction is cheaper than denial.
Because if we’re being honest, this isn’t about cognitive ability. It’s about projection. They see a mirror and assume it’s a weapon. They point to Biden’s age while holding hands with a man whose cognitive toolkit includes a running list of grievances, three nicknames per opponent, and an eerie fixation on water pressure.
At this point, Biden could deliver a two-hour policy lecture in fluent French, and the House Oversight Committee would still emerge from the basement muttering, “But did you see his gait? That was a weak step. Very suspicious. We demand an MRI and a spiritual reading.”
Meanwhile, Trump is giving stump speeches that sound like AI-generated transcripts of a dream a dog had.
Final Thought:
The GOP doesn’t care about fitness. They care about the illusion of clarity, the performance of strength. Because when your own candidate is a word-salad tornado of grievances, gold-leaf bravado, and snackable fascism, the only strategy left is to shout, “Look over there! That man looks… tired.”
Of course he does. Being competent is exhausting.