In which America pays more for everything but the dignity it already lost
In a surprise to absolutely no economists anywhere, inflation accelerated in June like a toddler on a Red Bull drip—rising 2.7% from a year earlier. Why? Well, one might look at the implementation of Trump’s fresh batch of tariffs and say, “Ah, yes. That’s the economic equivalent of microwaving tinfoil.”
Yes, folks, the man who once said trade wars were “easy to win” is back with a sequel: “Tariffnado 2: The Costening.” And as usual, the fallout isn’t hitting the penthouses or golf resorts. It’s hitting you. You, the person buying $8 eggs and wondering how bananas got the same price tag as pre-owned iPhones.
A Brief Breakdown of the Trump Tariff Strategy:
Step 1: Slap tariffs on foreign goods in the name of American greatness.
Step 2: Watch U.S. companies pass those costs to consumers faster than you can say “economic nationalism.”
Step 3: Blame China. Or Democrats. Or possibly the wind.
Step 4: Campaign on fixing the thing you broke.
The New Normal: Luxury Cheese, Guilt-Free Spam
These new tariffs, meant to “level the playing field,” have instead leveled your paycheck. Want imported electronics? That’ll cost you. Machinery? Up. Food? Up. Gas? Don’t even ask. Meanwhile, the only thing going down is your will to check the grocery receipt.
In fact, under the current plan, inflation is now a shared American hobby. We all bond over it.
- “Remember when bread was $2?”
- “Yeah, and air conditioning was optional.”
- “Anyway, wanna split a slice of cheese?”
But It’s Not Just the Prices
It’s the principle. The beautiful Orwellian logic of calling it “economic patriotism” when the average person can no longer afford paper towels without a line of credit.
White House allies assure us this is temporary pain for long-term gain. Translation: it’s your patriotic duty to suffer financially so the billionaire class can brag about America First while vacationing in places with no tariffs and better healthcare.
Final Thought
Sure, inflation accelerated. But at least we know why.
It wasn’t a mystery virus.
It wasn’t an international incident.
It was just one man and a signature—and now you’re paying $12.99 for “artisan” pickles and considering whether you really need socks this year.
The next time someone says tariffs make America stronger, feel free to point at your grocery bill and say, “Cool. Now do deodorant.”