Latest posts
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Happy New Year, 2026, and No I’m Not Reinventing Myself for You
New year, same spine, better math. Happy New Year, 2026. That’s it. No fireworks language. No spiritual confetti. No ceremonial shedding of skin for the benefit of strangers who will scroll past in half a second anyway. This is not reinvention theater. This is survival math. Life is getting busier in all the right ways,
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My Favorite TV Shows of 2025, Ranked by Vibes, Emotional Damage, and How Fast I Hit “Next Episode”
No particular order, because ranking art is how streaming apps turn joy into spreadsheets. Every year, television looks at America’s collective attention span, flicks it on the forehead, and says, “Come here, I made you something complicated.” In 2025, it felt like the medium finally admitted what we all already know, most of us are
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Snowflake Is Melting Down: Trump Labels His Hurt Feelings Treasonous
The Founding Fathers Forgot to Mention That Napping is Now a State Secret Donald Trump has finally invented a new branch of jurisprudence called “feelings treason,” where noticing a seventy-nine-year-old man is tired is punishable by the full force of the internet. It was only a matter of time before Donald Trump, a man who
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Jasmine Crockett for Senate: The Only Socialist in Texas is the Guy Writing Checks to Elon Musk
They are going to call Jasmine Crockett a socialist.1 Of course they are. In the modern Republican lexicon, “socialist” is just a synonym for “person I am afraid of,” and right now, there is nobody the Texas GOP fears more than the Congresswoman from Dallas who treats a committee hearing like a cross-examination and a
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The Bulwark Wants to Build a Bigger Ship, But We Are Already Underwater
When the sensible conservatives start sounding like doomsday preppers, it is time to check the expiration date on the canned goods. There is a specific frequency of alarm that only emits from the offices of The Bulwark. It is not the shrill, glass-shattering panic of liberal Twitter, nor is it the guttural, blood-and-soil roar of
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Apple’s Spaceship Has a Hull Breach: Why the Smartest Guys in the Room Are Ejecting
Tim Cook is wandering the halls of the Infinite Loop with a roll of duct tape and a bag of stock options, but the airlock is already open. There is a specific kind of panic that sets in when the invincible object suddenly cracks. For the last decade, Apple has been the monolith of Silicon
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The Pipe Bomber Was Never a Ghost. He Was Just a Guy With a Rewards Card.
After five years of conspiracy theories about fed-surrectionists and secret operatives, the grand mystery resolves into a Nissan Sentra and a bag of galvanized pipe. We have spent nearly five years living inside a collective fever dream regarding the events of January 5 and 6, 2021. In the absence of an arrest, the “J6 Pipe
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Olivia Nuzzi’s American Canto: The Art of Selling a Scandal Without Actually Selling the Goods
When the memoir is less a reckoning and more a press release written in the font of a nervous breakdown. The collapse of a reputation in Washington usually follows a predictable physics. There is the initial transgression, followed by the frantic denial, the inevitable leak of digital receipts, the forced resignation, and finally the exile
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The Real Housewives of the House Republican Conference: A Play in Three Acts of Self-Destruction
If you want to understand the current state of the Republican Party, do not look at their policy papers. Do not listen to their speeches about fiscal discipline or the sanctity of the border. Instead, imagine a community theater production of Julius Caesar directed by a substitute teacher who has lost control of the classroom,
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Cabinet Meeting of the Living Dead: A Seventy-Two Hour Autopsy
When the President invents eighteen trillion dollars and then falls asleep, you know it’s Tuesday. The federal government has always been, at its core, a theater of the absurd, but the last seventy-two hours have transcended mere farce and entered the realm of avant-garde performance art. We just witnessed a Cabinet meeting that functioned less