Latest posts
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The Battle of Suriname: How We Saved Ohio from a Boat Headed to the Netherlands
The White House promised us they were stopping a direct threat to the homeland, but it turns out they were just interdicting a shipment for the Amsterdam party scene with a Hellfire missile. Geography has never been a strong suit of the American empire. We have a long and storied history of confusing one desert
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The Pipe Bomber Was Just a Guy Named Brian: A Mystery Solved by the League of Extraordinary Grifters
It turns out the “Deep State” operative who planted bombs on January 5th wasn’t a spectral fed or a Antifa super-soldier. He was a guy from Virginia with a Nissan Sentra and a rewards card. We have reached the season finale of the great American conspiracy theory, and the writers have truly outdone themselves with
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The Cartography of Coercion: How the Supreme Court Just Turned Texas into a Republican Fortress
Democracy isn’t dying in darkness; it’s being rezoned in broad daylight with a high-resolution plotter. Somewhere in a windowless room in Austin, under the hum of fluorescent lights and the whir of cooling fans, a team of political cartographers is high-fiving. They have just pulled off the heist of the century, and they didn’t even
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The United States of Amnesia: Importing the European Nursing Home Model to Save the Snowflakes
When the goal is to turn a dynamic superpower into a gated community for the frightened, you end up importing the stagnation along with the prejudice. There is a specific kind of architectural madness currently gripping the West Wing, a design flaw in the blueprint of the new American century that would be laughable if
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Olivia Nuzzi’s American Canto: The Art of Selling a Scandal Without Actually Selling the Goods
When the memoir is less a reckoning and more a press release written in the font of a nervous breakdown. The collapse of a reputation in Washington usually follows a predictable physics. There is the initial transgression, followed by the frantic denial, the inevitable leak of digital receipts, the forced resignation, and finally the exile
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Zuckerberg Poaches Apple’s Alan Dye to Teach the Metaverse How to Feel (Or At Least How to Fake It)
The biggest transfer in tech isn’t about hardware. It is about Mark Zuckerberg paying top dollar for the one thing he can’t code: vibes. The announcement video looked less like a corporate hiring update and more like the trailer for a film about a brooding architect who accidentally invents a soul. There was Mark Zuckerberg,
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Operation Catahoula Crunch: The Department of Homeland Security Brings Holiday Fear to the Big Easy
When the “Big Easy” becomes the “Big Empty,” you know the circus has come to town, but this time the parade floats are unmarked vans and the beads are handcuffs. The sun rose over New Orleans this morning to a parade nobody ordered. Usually, when vehicles crawl through these streets at a walking pace, there
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Cabinet Meeting of the Living Dead: A Seventy-Two Hour Autopsy
When the President invents eighteen trillion dollars and then falls asleep, you know it’s Tuesday. The federal government has always been, at its core, a theater of the absurd, but the last seventy-two hours have transcended mere farce and entered the realm of avant-garde performance art. We just witnessed a Cabinet meeting that functioned less
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The Canary Just Coughed Up Blood: Why a “Safe” Seat in Tennessee Is the GOP’s Chernobyl
When a twenty-two point lead shrinks to single digits, you don’t pop champagne; you check the foundation for termites. In the grandiose, self-mythologizing atlas of the Republican Party, Tennessee’s 7th Congressional District is supposed to be a fortress. It is drawn with the kind of jagged, protective geometry that ensures a generic conservative can sleepwalk
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The Great American Tariff Refund: A farce in Three Acts (And Counting)
When the “patriotic squeeze” becomes a bureaucratic stranglehold, and the only thing getting squeezed is the American wallet. The latest episode of the great tariff soap opera has arrived, and it is a masterpiece of economic slapstick. It features a plot twist so absurd that if you put it in a screenplay, a studio executive