Latest posts
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Top 10 “Top 10” Lists That Prove Journalism Has Flatlined
There was a time—not that long ago—when journalism meant something. People risked their lives reporting from war zones, uncovering corruption, and writing scathing exposés that brought entire institutions to their knees. Now? Now we’ve got 27 interns fighting over who gets to write “14 Times a Celebrity Sneezed and It Changed Our Lives” for pageviews.
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Things You Should Never Talk About (So Naturally, I Talk About Them Constantly)
There are rules, you know. Social rules. Unspoken guidelines passed down through generations of repressed puritans and HR departments that dictate what should never, under any circumstances, be uttered in polite company. Naturally, these are my favorite topics. Take money, for instance. People say, “Don’t ask what someone makes. Don’t discuss debt. Don’t mention how
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The Friendship Recession: America’s Loneliest Bull Market
We Have 17 Streaming Subscriptions and Zero Emergency Contacts Remember when people used to have best friends? Like, actual humans they saw in person, not just blurry profile pics you “like” once a month out of guilt? Well, welcome to the Friendship Recession—the only economic downturn that won’t get a bailout because it doesn’t impact
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The Truth About Planned Parenthood the GOP Doesn’t Want You to Know (Because Then You Might Stop Being Afraid of Vaginas)
Let’s set the stage. The Supreme Court, now essentially an overpriced group chat for anti-woman ideologues in matching robes, just gave South Carolina—and by extension, any other Bible-thumping state—the go-ahead to cut Medicaid funding to Planned Parenthood. Because, apparently, basic healthcare is now a controversial opinion. I don’t know how to say this gently, so
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Welcome to The Good Ol’ Days™: A Timeless Destination Where History Never Quite Happened
Ever felt overwhelmed by the modern world’s insistence on equality, nuance, and basic historical literacy? Are you tired of safe spaces, accurate textbooks, and the terrifying possibility that someone might call out your Facebook meme as racially coded? Fear not, weary time traveler. Grab your pearls, clutch your rosary, and buckle up—because The Good Ol’
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Trump Weighs In on Netanyahu’s Trial, Accidentally Declares Himself Israel’s Messiah
Mango Mussolini Endorses Bibi, Entire Planet Becomes Less Safe In a completely normal and definitely sane post on Truth Social—the platform for people too unhinged for Twitter and too banned for LinkedIn—Donald Trump has once again clacked his stubby fingers across the keyboard of prophecy, this time to defend his favorite authoritarian pen pal: Benjamin
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Trickle-Down Yacht Club: Jeff Bezos Built a Superyacht Out of Your Food Stamps
Oh, America. Land of the free, home of the grossly overworked Amazon associate who just peed in a bottle so Jeff Bezos can afford to put marble countertops in his second yacht. Not the yacht—the yacht’s yacht. A little backup boat, like a bougie sidecar for when your primary vessel is too emotionally burdened by
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Your Loved One Is in Good Hands: The Ones That Just Changed a Bedpan
Welcome, dear family member! We know it’s hard leaving Nana with strangers who call her “sweetheart” instead of by her actual name, but rest assured: she is absolutely in good hands. And by “good hands,” we mean the chapped, underpaid, chronically overworked hands of Carla, who has just finished wiping diarrhea off a shower chair
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Y’allternative Medicine: The Only Essential Oil Strong Enough to Cure Facts
Welcome to 2025, where science is optional, vibes are currency, and the cure for cancer might be hiding in a mason jar full of moonshine and bootstraps. Forget Big Pharma. Forget Moderna. Forget literally anything that went through clinical trials. There’s a new sheriff in town and she’s wearing an “Ivermectin Is My Truth” t-shirt
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Repressitol PM: Because Sleeping Through Your Trauma Is the New Self-Care
Introducing Repressitol PM, the only sleep aid clinically designed for those of us whose nightly routine includes laying in bed and remembering everything we’ve ever done wrong since 1996. Is your bedtime ritual more like a horror anthology curated by your subconscious? Do you routinely wake up at 3:07 a.m. wondering if that joke you