Latest posts
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To the Moon, With Malice: Sean Duffy, Space Nukes, and the Bold American Tradition of Saying “Oops” in Orbit
Because nothing says “we’ve got this under control” like a man best known for The Real World: Boston now overseeing the launch of a nuclear reactor on the moon, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy—yes, that Sean Duffy—is expected to announce new directives to fast-track lunar radiation and orbital real estate development in what experts are calling…
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My Birthday Curse Is Back, and This Time It Brought Reinforcements
Tomorrow, I turn forty-one. Which means, statistically, something will either break, catch fire, go missing, bleed, ghost me, explode, or die. No need to sugarcoat it. The birthday curse is real. I don’t care if you’re religious, spiritual, or just one of those people who puts rose quartz in their bra and calls it healing.…
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The Blonde Upstairs Is Gone: On Loni Anderson, Loss, and the Women Who Knew the Assignment
Somewhere in America, a bottle-blonde receptionist in a sleeveless satin blouse just took a long drag off her Virginia Slim and said, “Well, shit.” Then she turned off the office lights and walked herself gently into the dusk. Loni Anderson died yesterday. Seventy-nine. A “prolonged illness,” her publicist confirmed, as though time itself weren’t already…
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From Bench to Bar Fight: Jeanine Pirro Confirmed as U.S. Attorney for D.C., Chaos Ensues
Well, it finally happened. After years of performative shouting, a few too many box wines, and one very persistent eye twitch that could double as a metronome for national decline, Jeanine Pirro has officially been confirmed by the United States Senate as the new U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia. That’s right—our nation’s capital’s…
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You’re Fired: Trump Finds the Real Culprit Behind America’s Job Woes (Hint: It’s Not Capitalism)
In a surprising twist that shocked absolutely no one, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken bold, decisive, and entirely unhinged action against the greatest threat to American prosperity: math. Specifically, the kind of math that results in job reports that make him look bad. Following a “disappointing” economic update, which revealed that…
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July’s Over. Thank You, Everyone: 7,174 Books Sold, 64 Titles Published, and One Heart About to Burst
In July, I sold 7,174 books across 64 titles—my first full month of self-publishing after years of silence and shelved manuscripts. From memoir to romance to horror, you showed up. Thank you. Every read, share, and review keeps this dream alive.
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Alone Together™: How to Cure Loneliness with Wi-Fi, Vague Eye Contact, and Corporate Wellness Emails
If you’re feeling lonely in 2025, good news: you’re not alone. You are, in fact, part of a globally trending demographic—a vast, echoing chorus of fully-charged devices and emotionally uncharged people, all sending each other “just checking in” texts while lying motionless on separate couches. We live in the most hyper-connected society in history. You…
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Finally, Equal Rights to Cringe: “I Kissed A Boy” Puts Gays Where They Belong—on Trashy Dating Shows
So it’s finally happened. The gays have a dating show. Not a makeover show. Not a trauma documentary. Not another sob-stained coming out arc framed by string lights and tearful piano music. An actual, honest-to-God dating show. And not just any dating show—a trashy, sun-drenched, kissing-at-hello reality dating show with barely clothed men, confessionals, and…
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Opera, Trade, and Deportation Roulette: A Week in the Trump Administration That Somehow All Makes Sense
It’s hard to say what week we’re in—politically, cosmically, or narratively—but it’s clear the Trump administration is back on its greatest-hits tour. Only this time, the album’s scratched, the vocals are louder, and the backup dancers are Congressional interns filing ethics waivers. In just a few days, we’ve seen an opera house rebranded like a…
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Rest Easy, Prince of Darkness: A Farewell to Ozzy Osbourne
I wasn’t a diehard fan. I didn’t memorize lyrics or follow every twist in his tour dates or tattoos. I didn’t grow up with Black Sabbath posters on my walls or devil horns in the air. But when I heard the news—Ozzy Osbourne has passed away—I felt something cave in anyway. That’s what happens when…