Latest posts
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NASA: Now Appointing Sean Duffy Astronauts
Well, buckle up Earthlings—because America’s favorite space agency is about to blast off in an entirely different direction. No, not toward Mars. Not toward the Moon. Not even toward basic logic. This week, over 2,000 senior NASA employees have been handed pink slips as part of President Trump’s bold new initiative to “trim the federal
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4Xtra’s Firework Mishap: When Your Local News Station Becomes a PSA in Real Time
In a stunning display of what happens when overconfidence meets combustible materials, local TV affiliate 4Xtra accidentally turned their Fourth of July coverage into a live-action cautionary tale, launching not just fireworks—but also flaming shrapnel, shattered camera lenses, and at least one terrified intern—into the skies and hearts of viewers across Central Texas. The segment,
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Prisoners of Privilege: The Chrisleys Discover Pain, Growth, and How to Monetize Both
In this week’s episode of White Collar Confessions, Julie and Todd Chrisley—America’s favorite Southern fried fraudsters—are finally free. And by “free,” we mean legally pardoned after spending a whole year bravely enduring the prison system from the safety of low-security facilities with better amenities than your local Holiday Inn Express. Yes, folks, the same couple
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Ken Mehlman Comes Out—Just a Few Million Hate Crimes Too Late
In today’s episode of The Gays Can Forgive, But We’re Gonna Roast You First, let’s talk about Ken Mehlman: former Bush campaign manager, architect of the 2004 “Ban the Gays” electoral strategy, and current reformed homosexual with a PR-approved redemption arc. Because nothing screams “personal growth” quite like helping destroy millions of lives before quietly
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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Heal: The Ghost Policy Still Marching in Combat Boots
Ah yes. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell—that beloved Clinton-era gem of half-measure equality. The 1993 military policy that essentially told queer Americans, “You can serve your country, but could you please do it invisibly?” Because nothing says “thank you for your service” like “now lie about who you are, suppress your identity, and don’t you dare
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15 Crimes Against Cooking Shows That Should Be Prosecuted by the Culinary Hague
Welcome back to “Oh Honey, No”, the only cooking competition where the prize is $10,000 and permanent public shame. It’s a magical land where hopeful amateur chefs ignore decades of televised cooking wisdom in favor of chaotic, delusional hubris. This is Hell’s Kitchen without the hell or the kitchen—just unholy crimes served lukewarm on an
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Update: Year 2025. Still No Jesus. Still Stuck with Your Asshole Followers.
Hey Jesus, Just circling back (again). Still no sign of you. No heavenly descent, no clouds parting, no divine trumpet blast—just the usual right-wing podcast hosts calling everything the Antichrist and Marjorie Taylor Greene misquoting you while selling tactical Bibles on QVC. Listen, I know it’s been a long 2,000 years. You’re probably busy blessing
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Not Big, Not Beautiful, Not Bill Clinton’s
Let me tell you about The Big Beautiful Bill—the piece of legislation that sounds like a gay brunch revue in Miami but is actually Congress’s latest attempt to duct tape a failing system with something halfway resembling a policy. You’ve probably heard it touted by your uncle who still uses “woke” as a slur or
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From Lincoln to ‘Lizard King’: A Brief History of How the GOP Went from Emancipation to Trump Fan Fiction
Let’s be clear right off the bat: this isn’t some tweed-jacketed seminar on 19th-century civics, nor is it a loving tribute to parchment, powdered wigs, or that one guy in the background of Hamilton who died before intermission. This is a confused, exhausted, deeply sarcastic look at how the party that once freed enslaved people
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Jeff Bezos Found Love Again—So Shut Up, You’re Not Unlovable, Just Poor
If One of Earth’s Top Villains Can Get Remarried, Maybe You Just Need a Yacht In today’s installment of Late Capitalism: The Rom-Com, Amazon founder and trillionaire skin avatar Jeff Bezos has officially remarried, proving once and for all that love is not dead—it’s just income-based. Yes, Jeff “I Make Warehouse Workers Pee in Bottles”