Latest posts
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Bill Clinton endorses Andrew Cuomo by saying “You. You get me,” and it’s as awkward as it sounds.
Bill Clinton Looked at Andrew Cuomo and Said, “You. You Get Me.” Somewhere between sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and scrolling the headlines, I stumbled across it: Bill Clinton has officially endorsed Andrew Cuomo for mayor of New York City. At first, I laughed, assuming it was a parody post — like The Onion had merged
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Operation Midnight Hammer, Grindr username or military operation, and a President Who Skipped Congress
I’m fairly certain I chatted on Grindr with a guy named “Midnight Hammer,” before I met Matthew. We never met, but the username stuck with me. So imagine my surprise when I woke up to the news that Operation Midnight Hammer was the official name of the U.S. bombing campaign that just leveled multiple Iranian
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Strait Outta Options: Iran Votes to Shut Down the Strait of Hormuz, Trump Shuts Down Logic, and We’re All Just Along for the Ride
It’s Sunday, June 22, 2025. While half the country is at church pretending they didn’t black out at Applebee’s karaoke last night, I’m sitting here sipping my third Diet Dr. Pepper of the morning and trying to emotionally process the fact that the Strait of Hormuz will be closed and we’re apparently doing Iran War,
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If Jesus Came Back Today, He’d Vote Blue: A Sunday Sermon for the Politically Constipated
It’s Sunday morning, and while the evangelical right is hungover from a Saturday night of God-fearing debauchery—tequila, Tinder, and casual racism—I’m sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and writing a little sermon of my own. Not from a pulpit, but from a keyboard that doesn’t judge me for being gay, liberal, or three Reese’s deep before noon.
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Hillary Clinton Climbed the Ladder, Kamala Harris Built a New One, Trump Fell Down the Stairs and Still Got the Job
In the grand pageant of American exceptionalism, where mediocrity wears a red tie and yells about dishwashers, it was perhaps inevitable that we’d hand the nuclear codes to a man whose most impressive résumé item was yelling “You’re fired!” on NBC. Twice now, we’ve watched the electorate (and let’s be honest, the Electoral College’s interpretive
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To the Middle East, with Bombs: As Iran Burns, Trump’s Cabinet and Republican Congress Prepare Us for World War III with Vibes and Vague Resumes
As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a
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Bombs First, Congress Later: Trump’s Strikes on Iran Break the Rules (Again)
On June 21, 2025, President Donald Trump announced via Truth Social that the United States had conducted “a very successful attack” on three Iranian nuclear sites—Fordow, Natanz, and Esfahan. In the post, he proudly confirmed that a “full payload of bombs” had been dropped on the Fordow facility, and that all U.S. warplanes had exited
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The Art of the No-War War: Trump orders the U.S. Military to bomb Iran
On June 21, 2025, President Donald J. Trump took to Truth Social—America’s favorite unhinged group chat with fonts—to announce that the U.S. military had completed a “very successful attack” on three Iranian nuclear sites. And by “successful,” he of course meant in the same way your uncle “successfully” fixes the toilet but leaves the bathroom
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Donald Trump Deserves the Nobel Peace Prize—and These 13 Other Awards, Apparently
Donald Trump recently declared that he “deserves” the Nobel Peace Prize. Because nothing says ambassador of peace like inciting a coup, cozying up to dictators, and trying to nuke a hurricane. But hey, if we’re handing out global honors like party favors, why stop there? Let’s give the man all the awards—actual, prestigious, internationally recognized
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Elon Musk Declares War on Knowledge, Armed Only with Ego and a Lobotomized AI
Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t get any more chaotic, he opens his intergalactic mouth and says—no, tweets—that Grok 3.5 (or 4, or whatever number he’s feeling that day) will “rewrite the entire corpus of human knowledge.” Not update it. Not improve it. Rewrite it. With “advanced reasoning,” which in Muskland apparently means Reddit-level