Latest posts
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Meteor Spotted Over the South, Fails to Fix Anything
June 26, 2025 – Earth (unfortunately still here) At approximately noon Eastern time today, a blazing fireball tore across the skies of Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee—causing brief panic, some delighted screams, and at least three Karens to yell, “Jesus is coming!” as they clutched their pearls and prayer journals. But alas, it wasn’t the
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Trump Weighs In on Netanyahu’s Trial, Accidentally Declares Himself Israel’s Messiah
Mango Mussolini Endorses Bibi, Entire Planet Becomes Less Safe In a completely normal and definitely sane post on Truth Social—the platform for people too unhinged for Twitter and too banned for LinkedIn—Donald Trump has once again clacked his stubby fingers across the keyboard of prophecy, this time to defend his favorite authoritarian pen pal: Benjamin
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Daddy Issues: NATO, Mark Rutte specifically, Hopes to Be Trump’s Ivanka—Instead, They’re His Tiffany
There are headlines that make you sigh, others that make you wince, and then there’s: “Daddy, You’re My Daddy.” No, that’s not the title of a long-lost porn parody of Succession. It’s what Donald Trump claimed NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte said to him—affectionately, mind you—during a NATO summit in the Netherlands, in reference to
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Repressitol PM: Because Sleeping Through Your Trauma Is the New Self-Care
Introducing Repressitol PM, the only sleep aid clinically designed for those of us whose nightly routine includes laying in bed and remembering everything we’ve ever done wrong since 1996. Is your bedtime ritual more like a horror anthology curated by your subconscious? Do you routinely wake up at 3:07 a.m. wondering if that joke you
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Dumbexia™: Because Ignorance Is Terminal, but Confidence Is Airborne
New from the makers of Denialitol and Narcissin comes Dumbexia™ — the first daily prescription medication designed specifically for people who think “I did my own research” is a personality type. Who Should Take Dumbexia™? Dumbexia™ isn’t just a medication—it’s a public service. How It Works: Dumbexia™ delivers slow-release facts into the bloodstream via a
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Operation Paintbrush: America’s War on People Who Actually Work
Because nothing says “national security” like tackling day laborers in cargo pants outside a Home Depot. Welcome to America, where billionaires launder money through Delaware LLCs and hedge fund babies crush democracy via lobbying—but it’s the guy with a caulking gun trying to feed his family who gets black-bagged in the parking lot. Homeland Security
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Trump Declares Peace Treaty with Imaginary Friend
BREAKING: In a breaking development that broke absolutely nothing, Donald J. Trump has declared a ceasefire between Israel and Iran. Which would be groundbreaking—if either country had actually agreed to it. Or even acknowledged it. Or knew what he was talking about. Iran, when asked to comment, essentially replied, “New ceasefire, who dis?” And Israel,
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Supreme Court to the World: You Can Stay… Until We Find a Plane Ticket and a Country That Doesn’t Know You Yet
Congratulations, America. Our Supreme Court just swiped right on international human rights law and ghosted it five minutes later. With a vote of 6-3—because of course it was—they decided it’s perfectly fine to deport undocumented immigrants to countries they’ve never set foot in. The catch? All you need is a “criminal conviction” and a fast-pass
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Anderson Allison Cooper and the Enriched Delusion: A Very Stable Tantrum
So here’s to Allison Cooper. May your poise forever expose the chaos. May your reporting cut through the noise. And may your very existence continue to make old men in red hats clutch their pearls harder than their Russian passports.
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Bomb, Boast, Blame: Trump’s Favorite Wartime Tradition Is Turning on His Own
You can always tell a Trump presidency is back in full swing when he drops bombs one day and burns bridges the next. After launching a surprise airstrike on Iranian nuclear facilities—without Congressional approval and with all the subtlety of a toddler with a matchbook—Trump took a victory lap so wide it flattened anyone who