Latest posts
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BREAKING: Thomas Massie Heroically Votes ‘Yes,’ Then ‘No,’ Then Liberates Us All from the Tyranny of Coherence
Today in Washington, Thomas Massie—libertarian cosplayer, part-time survivalist, and full-time chaos agent—did what he does best: weaponized a vote like a toddler with a Sharpie in a white living room. The Kentucky congressman shocked precisely no one by voting yes on a procedural rule that would’ve moved Trump’s so-called “One Big Beautiful Bill” forward—a $3.4
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Pete Hegseth’s Press Conference Proves the Trump Administration Thinks Journalists Are Just Disobedient Interns With Bad Attitudes
Recently, Pete Hegseth—former Fox News host turned full-time Trump whisperer and part-time Press Secretary cosplay model—held a press conference that can only be described as a masterclass in authoritarian fan fiction. Somewhere between the “fake news” finger-pointing and the sweaty defense of Dear Leader’s latest conspiracy tweet, Hegseth made it crystal clear: the Trump-aligned GOP
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Stop Waiting for Lisa Murkowski & Susan Collins to Save You – They’re Not Coming
BREAKING: Lisa Murkowski has once again voted to advance a Republican bill that has all the charm of a flaming trash barge drifting through civil rights. And somewhere in Maine, Susan Collins is furrowing her brow so hard it may finally snap in half. She’s “deeply concerned,” y’all—probably writing another strongly worded Post-it note to
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Update: Year 2025. Still No Jesus. Still Stuck with Your Asshole Followers.
Hey Jesus, Just circling back (again). Still no sign of you. No heavenly descent, no clouds parting, no divine trumpet blast—just the usual right-wing podcast hosts calling everything the Antichrist and Marjorie Taylor Greene misquoting you while selling tactical Bibles on QVC. Listen, I know it’s been a long 2,000 years. You’re probably busy blessing
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From Lincoln to ‘Lizard King’: A Brief History of How the GOP Went from Emancipation to Trump Fan Fiction
Let’s be clear right off the bat: this isn’t some tweed-jacketed seminar on 19th-century civics, nor is it a loving tribute to parchment, powdered wigs, or that one guy in the background of Hamilton who died before intermission. This is a confused, exhausted, deeply sarcastic look at how the party that once freed enslaved people
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A Comprehensive Field Guide to Bible Rules Christians Ignore While Policing Everyone Else’s Salvation
It’s not Christianity. It’s Christianity™: Now with 75% less Jesus, 100% more judgment, and a built-in persecution complex because someone said “Happy Holidays.”
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Meteor Spotted Over the South, Fails to Fix Anything
June 26, 2025 – Earth (unfortunately still here) At approximately noon Eastern time today, a blazing fireball tore across the skies of Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee—causing brief panic, some delighted screams, and at least three Karens to yell, “Jesus is coming!” as they clutched their pearls and prayer journals. But alas, it wasn’t the
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Trump Weighs In on Netanyahu’s Trial, Accidentally Declares Himself Israel’s Messiah
Mango Mussolini Endorses Bibi, Entire Planet Becomes Less Safe In a completely normal and definitely sane post on Truth Social—the platform for people too unhinged for Twitter and too banned for LinkedIn—Donald Trump has once again clacked his stubby fingers across the keyboard of prophecy, this time to defend his favorite authoritarian pen pal: Benjamin
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Daddy Issues: NATO, Mark Rutte specifically, Hopes to Be Trump’s Ivanka—Instead, They’re His Tiffany
There are headlines that make you sigh, others that make you wince, and then there’s: “Daddy, You’re My Daddy.” No, that’s not the title of a long-lost porn parody of Succession. It’s what Donald Trump claimed NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte said to him—affectionately, mind you—during a NATO summit in the Netherlands, in reference to
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Repressitol PM: Because Sleeping Through Your Trauma Is the New Self-Care
Introducing Repressitol PM, the only sleep aid clinically designed for those of us whose nightly routine includes laying in bed and remembering everything we’ve ever done wrong since 1996. Is your bedtime ritual more like a horror anthology curated by your subconscious? Do you routinely wake up at 3:07 a.m. wondering if that joke you