Latest posts
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Columbia University Sells Its Soul for $200 Million and a Patriotic Pat on the Head
Columbia University has officially agreed to a $200 million settlement that can only be described as “academic integrity, but make it negotiable.” After a long standoff with the federal government over funding cuts tied to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs, the Ivy League institution has agreed to restore funding—in exchange for agreeing to follow
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I Didn’t Believe in Elon. I Believed in His Grift. And Now My Retirement Is Circling the Drain in a Cybertruck.
Let’s be clear: I didn’t invest in Tesla because I thought Elon Musk was a genius. I invested because I thought he was shameless. Here was a man who could sit in a press conference sounding like a malfunctioning TED Talk chatbot, then turn around and wink at Trump and watch the stock price soar.
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Orange Is the New Accusation: Trump Accuses Obama of Treason, Nation Googles “Definition of Treason”
In today’s episode of “Projecting So Loudly You Can Hear It From Space,” former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly accused former President Barack Obama of treason—you know, that word we all learned in high school civics but never thought would be casually hurled like a dodgeball at the guy who won a Nobel Peace
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Opera, Trade, and Deportation Roulette: A Week in the Trump Administration That Somehow All Makes Sense
It’s hard to say what week we’re in—politically, cosmically, or narratively—but it’s clear the Trump administration is back on its greatest-hits tour. Only this time, the album’s scratched, the vocals are louder, and the backup dancers are Congressional interns filing ethics waivers. In just a few days, we’ve seen an opera house rebranded like a
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America Redefines “Public Benefits” to Mean “Not for You” — Immigration Policy Just Got a Rebrand
This week, the U.S. government took a long, squinting look at the phrase “public benefits” and said, “What if… we didn’t?” In a move so bureaucratically cruel it could’ve been dreamed up by a focus group trapped in a DMV at gunpoint, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) has officially expanded the definition
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Trump Shares AI Mugshots of Obama After Declassified Docs Drop, Nation Wonders If Reality Has Been PARDONED
This week, reality got redacted, deepfaked, and re-released as a partisan reboot. Newly declassified documents—courtesy of Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, who has apparently pivoted from anti-war progressive to cosplay intelligence officer—suggest that elements of the Obama administration allegedly ‘manufactured’ intelligence to justify the Trump-Russia probe in 2016. The documents are already being hailed
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Coincidence Is Classified: MLK Files Released Just as Epstein Heat Rises
After 56 years, countless Freedom of Information requests, and one too many performances of Lift Every Voice and Sing by institutions that once tried to wiretap his grief, the federal government has finally—finally—released the MLK assassination files. Well. Sort of. They’ve been “released” in the way your emotionally unavailable ex “opens up” during arguments: technically,
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The Curious Case of Convenient Amnesia: A Political Drama in Three Acts (and Several Subpoenas)
There are certain phrases that set off alarm bells in the American psyche: “new variant,” “Taylor Swift drops surprise album,” and of course, “bipartisan interest in the Jeffrey Epstein case.” That last one? That’s our national Bat-Signal for someone’s sweating in a congressional back room while texting their lawyer in Morse code. Because nothing unites
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Unpacking the “One Big Beautiful Bill”: How Congress Plans to Save You (and By You, We Mean Billionaires)
Ah, the smell of freshly printed legislation. Notes of performative optimism, charred loopholes, and a faint aftertaste of lobbyist cologne. Congress has emerged from its biannual nap to deliver what they’re calling the “One Big Beautiful Bill”—a tax and spending package so shiny, so sweeping, it’s practically Botox for the economy. But like most things
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Beyond the Headline: Unpacking the Gaza Conflict’s Long-Term Impacts
A deeper look into the long tail of trauma, bureaucracy, and selective compassion Somewhere between your third scroll past an Instagram infographic and the seventh “breaking news” chyron that wasn’t, Gaza kept happening. And while the rest of the world moved on to Taylor Swift ticket drama and the return of pumpkin spice fascism, a