Latest posts
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The $8 Billion Paramount Merger That Proves Late-Stage Capitalism Still Dreams in 4K
Well, pop some popcorn and cancel your originality, folks—because the FCC has just approved the $8 billion Paramount–Skydance merger, and the entertainment-industrial complex just grew another head. Somewhere between “Mission: Impossible 37” and the fourth reboot of Cheers, this landmark media marriage means that all your favorite intellectual properties now belong to a single cinematic
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We May Experience Some Mild Turbulence… and Existential Terror
It was a typical day in American aviation: peanuts, Biscoff cookies, and a 500-foot death drop to avoid being turned into fuselage confetti. Yes, folks, Southwest Airlines—known for open seating, punchy safety announcements, and landing in cities you didn’t actually book—has outdone itself once again. This time, by narrowly dodging a mid-air collision and turning
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Lock Her Up (But Poor This Time): America Rediscovers Its Favorite Chant—Now with Fewer Mar-a-Lagos
At long last, America’s most beloved political rally cry has returned—not for Hillary, not for Hunter, but for Hannah under the freeway overpass. Yes, “Lock Her Up” has been dusted off, polished, and rebranded for a new demographic: the unhoused. And it’s all thanks to the latest Trump executive order, which proposes the forcible hospitalization
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The Epstein Files, the Ghislaine Summit, and the Sudden Disappearance of Congress: A Whodunit with No Will to Know
It began, as these things often do, with a subpoena no one expected to be enforced. The House Oversight Subcommittee, waking briefly from its decades-long nap under a pile of lobbyist wine-and-dine receipts, voted to demand Department of Justice records related to the Jeffrey Epstein case. A bold move, considering most of Congress has treated
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Lone Star, Shady Lines: Texas GOP Dusts Off Crayons for Another Round of “Find the Democrat and Move Him”
If you thought gerrymandering was a once-per-decade tradition—like the census or Taylor Swift re-recordings—think again. Texas Republicans, fueled by barbecue, brazen ambition, and a deep-seated allergy to representative democracy, have decided to crack open the redistricting map early, because why wait for 2030 when you can tilt the scales right now? Welcome to mid-decade redistricting,
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“Make Me President, Daddy”: A Spin Doctor’s Descent Through the American Spectacle
Read now on Kindle UnlimitedExplore more of my work: Amazon Author Page I didn’t write Make Me President, Daddy to mock a man. He does that to himself. I wrote it to eulogize a country that laughed its way into the grave. This book started as a scream I couldn’t get out during the first
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Columbia University Sells Its Soul for $200 Million and a Patriotic Pat on the Head
Columbia University has officially agreed to a $200 million settlement that can only be described as “academic integrity, but make it negotiable.” After a long standoff with the federal government over funding cuts tied to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs, the Ivy League institution has agreed to restore funding—in exchange for agreeing to follow
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I Didn’t Believe in Elon. I Believed in His Grift. And Now My Retirement Is Circling the Drain in a Cybertruck.
Let’s be clear: I didn’t invest in Tesla because I thought Elon Musk was a genius. I invested because I thought he was shameless. Here was a man who could sit in a press conference sounding like a malfunctioning TED Talk chatbot, then turn around and wink at Trump and watch the stock price soar.
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Orange Is the New Accusation: Trump Accuses Obama of Treason, Nation Googles “Definition of Treason”
In today’s episode of “Projecting So Loudly You Can Hear It From Space,” former President Donald J. Trump has reportedly accused former President Barack Obama of treason—you know, that word we all learned in high school civics but never thought would be casually hurled like a dodgeball at the guy who won a Nobel Peace
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Opera, Trade, and Deportation Roulette: A Week in the Trump Administration That Somehow All Makes Sense
It’s hard to say what week we’re in—politically, cosmically, or narratively—but it’s clear the Trump administration is back on its greatest-hits tour. Only this time, the album’s scratched, the vocals are louder, and the backup dancers are Congressional interns filing ethics waivers. In just a few days, we’ve seen an opera house rebranded like a