Latest posts
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President Trump Wants a Task Force for the LA Olympics. I Assume It Will Wear Matching Windbreakers.
Nothing says “we’ve learned nothing from history” quite like handing Donald J. Trump executive oversight of an international sporting event. The man who once tried to host a G7 summit at his own golf resort is now assembling a task force to oversee the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics. Because nothing inspires global trust like the
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America: Where the Policy Changes But the Passive-Aggression Stays the Same
Somewhere between the overturned classified documents and the overturned convictions, the Trump administration (yes, that one again) decided to quietly reverse a decades-old policy that withheld federal aid from states that penalized individuals or companies for not participating in Israel boycotts. Don’t worry if you missed it—most people were too busy photoshopping mugshots onto T-shirts
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From Bench to Bar Fight: Jeanine Pirro Confirmed as U.S. Attorney for D.C., Chaos Ensues
Well, it finally happened. After years of performative shouting, a few too many box wines, and one very persistent eye twitch that could double as a metronome for national decline, Jeanine Pirro has officially been confirmed by the United States Senate as the new U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia. That’s right—our nation’s capital’s
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Ghislaine’s Great Escape: From High-Security Headlines to Minimum-Security Hill Country
Somewhere between the sound of cicadas and the scent of institutional brisket, Ghislaine Maxwell is adjusting to her new reality: a minimum-security federal prison camp in sunny, suspiciously welcoming Bryan, Texas. Yes, Bryan. The town best known for its proximity to literally anything more interesting and now, apparently, for hosting the disgraced socialite convicted of
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You’re Fired: Trump Finds the Real Culprit Behind America’s Job Woes (Hint: It’s Not Capitalism)
In a surprising twist that shocked absolutely no one, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken bold, decisive, and entirely unhinged action against the greatest threat to American prosperity: math. Specifically, the kind of math that results in job reports that make him look bad. Following a “disappointing” economic update, which revealed that
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Depth Charges and Daddy Issues: America’s Favorite Strongman Plays Battleship With the World
In a turn of events that could only be described as “textbook masculine fragility but with submarines,” former President Donald J. Trump has responded to a so-called “highly provocative” statement from Russia not with diplomacy, nor with tact, nor even with a sharply worded tweet—but with the deployment of two nuclear submarines. Because nothing says
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The Gilded Ceiling: When Diplomacy Gets a Dance Floor Upgrade
It was the kind of announcement that arrived with all the subtlety of a gold-plated wrecking ball: Former President Donald Trump, against the backdrop of campaign chants and crystal chandeliers, declared that the White House—America’s most sacred secular shrine—will soon be getting a 90,000-square-foot ballroom. Because apparently, what the executive branch lacked most wasn’t decorum,
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Make MAGA Merch Great Again: Trump Sues Over Bootleg Bravado
In the latest crusade to restore dignity to the tarnished gold plating of American capitalism, the Trump Organization has boldly risen—not to address climate change, or rampant voter suppression, or the existential dread gripping the working class—but to defend its most sacred cause: the sanctity of fake red hats. Yes, dear patriots and profit-mongers, Amazon
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“The Apprentice: Pedophile Island Edition” – Trump’s Memory Hole Has a VIP Suite
Imagine, if you will, a former U.S. President—orange of hue, slippery of truth—waddling back onto the stage of public opinion not with grace, not with remorse, but with the uncooked swagger of a man who believes facts are just party guests you can disinvite later. Now picture that same man casually acknowledging that yes, one