Latest posts
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The Pipe Bomber Was Never a Ghost. He Was Just a Guy With a Rewards Card.
After five years of conspiracy theories about fed-surrectionists and secret operatives, the grand mystery resolves into a Nissan Sentra and a bag of galvanized pipe. We have spent nearly five years living inside a collective fever dream regarding the events of January 5 and 6, 2021. In the absence of an arrest, the “J6 Pipe
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DOJ To Release Grand Jury Epstein Information, Supposedly
On December 19, the United States government will attempt a new experiment: telling the truth about how it let a monster run a catering service for predators. There is a specific kind of silence that descends upon a room when the lights are suddenly turned on at a party that has gone on far too
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The United States of Paranoia: When the National Security Strategy Reads Like a Reddit Thread
The new official policy of the United States is apparently that France is too dark, Russia is just misunderstood, and the Western Hemisphere is a gated community that needs a higher fence. There is a specific kind of document that usually emerges from the White House every few years called the National Security Strategy. Historically,
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The Supreme Court Is About to Decide if the Constitution Has a “No Vacancy” Sign
The Fourteenth Amendment is clear, unless you are a lawyer paid to pretend that “born in the United States” is a metaphor for “born in a country club with the right membership dues.” We have reached the point in the American experiment where the user agreement is being rewritten in real time, and the terms
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The Battle of Suriname: How We Saved Ohio from a Boat Headed to the Netherlands
The White House promised us they were stopping a direct threat to the homeland, but it turns out they were just interdicting a shipment for the Amsterdam party scene with a Hellfire missile. Geography has never been a strong suit of the American empire. We have a long and storied history of confusing one desert
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The Soft Landing Just Broke Its Landing Gear: Why the Economy Is Eating the Little Guy
We are told the plane is landing smoothly, but the passengers in coach just fell through the floor. If you listen closely to the hum of the American economic engine, you will notice a terrifying new sound. It is not the roar of a bull market or the purr of productivity. It is the grinding
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The Avengers Assemble to Save Cinema from the Algorithm: Why Hollywood Just Sent an Anonymous Ransom Note to Congress
The call is coming from inside the beach house. A secret cabal of A-list directors is begging the government to stop Netflix from turning Warner Bros. into a content sludge factory, while the President tries to cast the winner like a reality show finale. There is a specific genre of panic that only exists in
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The Pipe Bomber Was Just a Guy Named Brian: A Mystery Solved by the League of Extraordinary Grifters
It turns out the “Deep State” operative who planted bombs on January 5th wasn’t a spectral fed or a Antifa super-soldier. He was a guy from Virginia with a Nissan Sentra and a rewards card. We have reached the season finale of the great American conspiracy theory, and the writers have truly outdone themselves with
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The People v. The Vengeance Machine: A Comedy of Errors with a Body Count
When a grand jury decides to go off-script, the director throws a chair. The most dangerous sound in a democracy isn’t a gunshot or a siren. It’s the polite cough of a grand jury in Norfolk, Virginia, looking at a prosecutor and effectively saying, “Yeah, we’re not gonna do that.” This week, something almost folkloric
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The Cartography of Coercion: How the Supreme Court Just Turned Texas into a Republican Fortress
Democracy isn’t dying in darkness; it’s being rezoned in broad daylight with a high-resolution plotter. Somewhere in a windowless room in Austin, under the hum of fluorescent lights and the whir of cooling fans, a team of political cartographers is high-fiving. They have just pulled off the heist of the century, and they didn’t even