Latest posts
-
Julio César Chávez Jr. Arrested for Cartel Ties, Surprising Exactly No One With a Wi-Fi Connection
Breaking News: Julio César Chávez Jr., professional boxer and full-time cautionary tale, has been arrested for alleged cartel ties and now faces possible deportation. Because, apparently, punching people for a living wasn’t sketchy enough—he needed a side hustle in international crime too. If you’re struggling to remember who Julio Chávez Jr. is, here’s a quick
-
Pete Hegseth’s Press Conference Proves the Trump Administration Thinks Journalists Are Just Disobedient Interns With Bad Attitudes
Recently, Pete Hegseth—former Fox News host turned full-time Trump whisperer and part-time Press Secretary cosplay model—held a press conference that can only be described as a masterclass in authoritarian fan fiction. Somewhere between the “fake news” finger-pointing and the sweaty defense of Dear Leader’s latest conspiracy tweet, Hegseth made it crystal clear: the Trump-aligned GOP
-
Screw Perfection. My Books Are Live. Amazon Knows Where to Find Them.
For years, I did the thing we’re all taught to do: polish the manuscript, pitch the agents, wait for permission. I submitted. I revised. I shelved entire books waiting for the “right time.” Spoiler: it never came. So I stopped waiting. I’m self-publishing. And I’m terrified. And proud. And exhausted. And—finally—free. These books are raw.
-
Why Reese’s Are the Only Friends I Need
A Treatise on Loyalty, Trauma, and Peanut Butter Cups Let me just say it plainly: I don’t need friends. I have Reese’s. And unlike the majority of humans I’ve let into my life, Reese’s have never borrowed my charger, trauma-dumped in my DMs without asking, or “forgotten” to Venmo me after splitting a check. Reese’s
-
Just Say No (to Empathy): A Helpful Guide to Pretending Addiction Is a Moral Failure
Ah, addiction. That timeless human affliction that we—enlightened society—continue to treat with all the compassion of a parking violation. In a world where you can DoorDash antidepressants and binge-watch 37 hours of trauma content without blinking, we still collectively clutch our pearls when someone gets addicted to something a little more chemically aggressive than caffeine
-
Jeff Bezos Found Love Again—So Shut Up, You’re Not Unlovable, Just Poor
If One of Earth’s Top Villains Can Get Remarried, Maybe You Just Need a Yacht In today’s installment of Late Capitalism: The Rom-Com, Amazon founder and trillionaire skin avatar Jeff Bezos has officially remarried, proving once and for all that love is not dead—it’s just income-based. Yes, Jeff “I Make Warehouse Workers Pee in Bottles”
-
The Truth About Planned Parenthood the GOP Doesn’t Want You to Know (Because Then You Might Stop Being Afraid of Vaginas)
Let’s set the stage. The Supreme Court, now essentially an overpriced group chat for anti-woman ideologues in matching robes, just gave South Carolina—and by extension, any other Bible-thumping state—the go-ahead to cut Medicaid funding to Planned Parenthood. Because, apparently, basic healthcare is now a controversial opinion. I don’t know how to say this gently, so
-
Zohran Mamdani Defeats Cuomo in NYC Mayoral Primary, Causing White Moderates to Spontaneously Combust Near Whole Foods
The Rent Is Still Too Damn High, But Now It’s Multilingual NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning upset that left political analysts, real estate developers, and several Upper West Side yoga instructors sobbing into their oat milk cortados, Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist with an actual spine, has won the Democratic primary for mayor
-
Welcome to 2025: A Field Guide to the Apocalypse Lite™
Compiled by: A Sentient Bee with Anxiety and a Data Plan Congratulations! You’ve made it to 2025, the year where climate collapse is trending, AI writes breakup texts, and Congress now live-streams on OnlyFans. As your reward, we’ve compiled this essential guide to surviving another year of democracy limping through menopause. Whether you’re queer in
-
RFK Jr. Solves Alzheimer’s by Forgetting He Just Cut Funding For It
America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.” Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health,