Latest posts
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I’m Skeptical of Anyone Who Tells Me Not to Take Candy from Strangers, Then Takes Me Trick or Treating
Trust issues don’t start in adulthood. They start when your mom tells you never to talk to strangers, then zips you into a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur suit and sends you door to door demanding chocolate from people you’ve never met, some of whom are literally wearing masks. “Don’t accept candy from strangers” she says on Tuesday.
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The Silent War: My Battle Against Unsolicited Advice (and How I Mostly Lose)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re the kind of person who starts sentences with “You know what you should do?” — please know I’m already plotting my escape. Politely. Silently. With a smile so tight it could slice through granite. Unsolicited advice is the glitter of social interaction. It shows
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Now That’s What I Call Woke, Vol. 1.
We live in an era where everything’s being rebooted—movies, sitcoms, even cultural expectations. So why not do the same for music? Specifically, classic song lyrics. Because let’s be honest: some of these tunes didn’t age like fine wine. They aged like milk left in a hot car while catcalling a woman on her lunch break.
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Not Everyone Has the Same Sense of Humor (And That’s Hilarious)
Comedy is subjective. That’s the politically correct way of saying, “I laughed, you were offended, and now we’re both awkwardly sipping iced coffee like nothing happened.” What one person sees as brilliant satire, another calls childish, tasteless, or “the reason society is collapsing.” And sometimes, all of those are true—at the same time. You can
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To the Middle East, with Bombs: As Iran Burns, Trump’s Cabinet and Republican Congress Prepare Us for World War III with Vibes and Vague Resumes
As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a
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Lassie Was the Real Menace: An Exposé on Classic Characters We Shouldn’t Have Trusted
Look, I’m not saying Lassie is a sociopath. But I’m also not not saying it. For years, the beloved collie has been hailed as the paragon of loyalty, intelligence, and tail-wagging heroism. Every week, she was dragging her shaggy little boots across farmland and throwing dramatic looks toward camera operators in a silent plea to
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Donald Trump Deserves the Nobel Peace Prize—and These 13 Other Awards, Apparently
Donald Trump recently declared that he “deserves” the Nobel Peace Prize. Because nothing says ambassador of peace like inciting a coup, cozying up to dictators, and trying to nuke a hurricane. But hey, if we’re handing out global honors like party favors, why stop there? Let’s give the man all the awards—actual, prestigious, internationally recognized
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Elon Musk Declares War on Knowledge, Armed Only with Ego and a Lobotomized AI
Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t get any more chaotic, he opens his intergalactic mouth and says—no, tweets—that Grok 3.5 (or 4, or whatever number he’s feeling that day) will “rewrite the entire corpus of human knowledge.” Not update it. Not improve it. Rewrite it. With “advanced reasoning,” which in Muskland apparently means Reddit-level
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The Top 10 Places No One Should Visit, Ever (Sorry, But Not Really)
Some cities are called hidden gems. Others should stay hidden like cursed relics sealed away for humanity’s protection. And yet, against all reason, people still book flights, plan road trips, and willingly subject themselves to places that radiate the energy of expired milk and sadness. Whether it’s toxic humidity, questionable locals, political decay, or the
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Call JD Vance Anything But Competent: The Curious Case of “Jose Padilla”
Once upon a time, in a country that hadn’t completely surrendered to chaos, calling a sitting U.S. Senator by the wrong name—say, calling Senator Alex Padilla “Jose”—might have warranted an apology. Maybe even a headline. Maybe especially if it came from the newly minted Vice President of the United States. But in today’s America, where