Latest posts
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Not Big, Not Beautiful, Not Bill Clinton’s
Let me tell you about The Big Beautiful Bill—the piece of legislation that sounds like a gay brunch revue in Miami but is actually Congress’s latest attempt to duct tape a failing system with something halfway resembling a policy. You’ve probably heard it touted by your uncle who still uses “woke” as a slur or
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I’m Writing a Book (Because Apparently I Hate Myself)
By someone who still thinks grammar matters It’s happening. I’m writing a book. A full-length, printed-on-dead-trees, hold-it-in-your-hands-like-it’s-the-early-2000s book. Because apparently I have a masochistic streak and a deep-seated desire to be wildly underappreciated in the age of microcontent and microwave attention spans. Let’s start with the obvious: No one reads anymore. And I don’t mean
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From Lincoln to ‘Lizard King’: A Brief History of How the GOP Went from Emancipation to Trump Fan Fiction
Let’s be clear right off the bat: this isn’t some tweed-jacketed seminar on 19th-century civics, nor is it a loving tribute to parchment, powdered wigs, or that one guy in the background of Hamilton who died before intermission. This is a confused, exhausted, deeply sarcastic look at how the party that once freed enslaved people
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Things You Should Never Talk About (So Naturally, I Talk About Them Constantly)
There are rules, you know. Social rules. Unspoken guidelines passed down through generations of repressed puritans and HR departments that dictate what should never, under any circumstances, be uttered in polite company. Naturally, these are my favorite topics. Take money, for instance. People say, “Don’t ask what someone makes. Don’t discuss debt. Don’t mention how
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Born at the Wrong Time (Except for All That Oppression)
You ever sit back, stare out a window, and think, “Damn. Maybe I was just born in the wrong era”? I do. Frequently. Especially when I’m writing—something I love, something that used to mean something, back when people consumed the written word instead of TikTok montages of people lip-syncing relationship drama that never happened. I
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A Comprehensive Field Guide to Bible Rules Christians Ignore While Policing Everyone Else’s Salvation
It’s not Christianity. It’s Christianity™: Now with 75% less Jesus, 100% more judgment, and a built-in persecution complex because someone said “Happy Holidays.”
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The Friendship Recession: America’s Loneliest Bull Market
We Have 17 Streaming Subscriptions and Zero Emergency Contacts Remember when people used to have best friends? Like, actual humans they saw in person, not just blurry profile pics you “like” once a month out of guilt? Well, welcome to the Friendship Recession—the only economic downturn that won’t get a bailout because it doesn’t impact
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Jeff Bezos Found Love Again—So Shut Up, You’re Not Unlovable, Just Poor
If One of Earth’s Top Villains Can Get Remarried, Maybe You Just Need a Yacht In today’s installment of Late Capitalism: The Rom-Com, Amazon founder and trillionaire skin avatar Jeff Bezos has officially remarried, proving once and for all that love is not dead—it’s just income-based. Yes, Jeff “I Make Warehouse Workers Pee in Bottles”
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Meteor Spotted Over the South, Fails to Fix Anything
June 26, 2025 – Earth (unfortunately still here) At approximately noon Eastern time today, a blazing fireball tore across the skies of Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee—causing brief panic, some delighted screams, and at least three Karens to yell, “Jesus is coming!” as they clutched their pearls and prayer journals. But alas, it wasn’t the