Latest posts
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SpaceX and the City: Elon’s Galactic Baby Mamas
Welcome to “SpaceX & the City,” the only show where the launchpad is your loins and the paternity test is pending. Today’s episode? A whirlwind romp through the Musk-iverse—a place where kids are named after Wi-Fi passwords and co-parenting involves occasional Twitter likes. Let’s meet the brave women who made the bold decision to bear
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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Heal: The Ghost Policy Still Marching in Combat Boots
Ah yes. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell—that beloved Clinton-era gem of half-measure equality. The 1993 military policy that essentially told queer Americans, “You can serve your country, but could you please do it invisibly?” Because nothing says “thank you for your service” like “now lie about who you are, suppress your identity, and don’t you dare
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Jurassic Park Rebirth: The Reincarnation No One Asked For But Will Watch Anyway
Because clearly, the seven previous lessons in “don’t bring extinct apex predators back to life” didn’t stick, 2025 is gifting us yet another reboot of Jurassic Park. Only this time, it’s powered by cryptocurrency, sponsored by Elon Musk’s baby’s middle name, and hosted by TikTok’s favorite paleo-influencer, @RawrXDinoQueen420. The new park, dubbed “Jurassic Spark™: Life
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BREAKING: Earth Officially Enters the “Too Many Named Storms” Era
Well folks, we’ve done it. We now have two, count ’em, two tropical storms churning on either side of Mexico. Say hello to Barry and Flossie—which, incidentally, also sound like the names of your retired Florida grandparents who just discovered Facebook and now share nothing but minion memes and vague threats about “what’s coming for
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Top 10 “Top 10” Lists That Prove Journalism Has Flatlined
There was a time—not that long ago—when journalism meant something. People risked their lives reporting from war zones, uncovering corruption, and writing scathing exposés that brought entire institutions to their knees. Now? Now we’ve got 27 interns fighting over who gets to write “14 Times a Celebrity Sneezed and It Changed Our Lives” for pageviews.
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Stop Waiting for Lisa Murkowski & Susan Collins to Save You – They’re Not Coming
BREAKING: Lisa Murkowski has once again voted to advance a Republican bill that has all the charm of a flaming trash barge drifting through civil rights. And somewhere in Maine, Susan Collins is furrowing her brow so hard it may finally snap in half. She’s “deeply concerned,” y’all—probably writing another strongly worded Post-it note to
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Why Reese’s Are the Only Friends I Need
A Treatise on Loyalty, Trauma, and Peanut Butter Cups Let me just say it plainly: I don’t need friends. I have Reese’s. And unlike the majority of humans I’ve let into my life, Reese’s have never borrowed my charger, trauma-dumped in my DMs without asking, or “forgotten” to Venmo me after splitting a check. Reese’s
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Confessions from a Needy Son of a Bitch
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Constant Need for Reassurance Hi, I’m the human equivalent of a pop-up ad asking, “Are you mad at me?”—and I’m here to tell you what it’s like to live life as a high-functioning emotional warranty department. I require attention like plants need sunlight, like influencers need
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Just Say No (to Empathy): A Helpful Guide to Pretending Addiction Is a Moral Failure
Ah, addiction. That timeless human affliction that we—enlightened society—continue to treat with all the compassion of a parking violation. In a world where you can DoorDash antidepressants and binge-watch 37 hours of trauma content without blinking, we still collectively clutch our pearls when someone gets addicted to something a little more chemically aggressive than caffeine
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Shaken, Not Spanked — Amazon’s James Bond Wishlist Proves MI6 Now Accepts Interns
Amazon, the same company that turned free shipping into a moral compass and made Jeff Bezos bald with power, has unveiled its wishlist for the next James Bond. The contenders? Jacob Elordi (Euphoria), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), and Harris Dickinson (Triangle of Sadness). Which is fitting, because this casting list feels like a triangle of cinematic