Latest posts
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Signed, Sealed, and Ready to Strangle Democracy in the Parking Lot of a Golden Corral
July 4, 2025 – Washington, D.C. (formerly known as the seat of democracy, now mostly just a themed escape room with worse puzzles) Happy Independence Day, America.While you’re lighting sparklers and dodging Uncle Randy’s racist fireworks rants, the government is signing its final love letter to authoritarianism—The Big Beautiful Bill. That’s not satire. That’s what
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Happy 4th of July! The Country’s Already on Fire—Might as Well Add Fireworks
Ah, Independence Day. That one time of year when we gather ‘round gas grills, wave flags made in China, and celebrate “freedom” by launching flaming projectiles into the nearest drought-stricken field. Because nothing screams liberty like sparklers in one hand and existential dread in the other. We’re told it’s a patriotic tradition. But let’s call
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100 Times I Didn’t Flinch: My Book Quote Collection
From Small Town Gayby “If God made me, then either He’s not angry—or He’s not very good at His job.” “I was born with a bruise on my soul and a glitter bomb in my ribcage.” “Coming out didn’t feel brave. It felt like bleeding in front of people who cheered the wound.” “I didn’t…
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BREAKING: Thomas Massie Heroically Votes ‘Yes,’ Then ‘No,’ Then Liberates Us All from the Tyranny of Coherence
Today in Washington, Thomas Massie—libertarian cosplayer, part-time survivalist, and full-time chaos agent—did what he does best: weaponized a vote like a toddler with a Sharpie in a white living room. The Kentucky congressman shocked precisely no one by voting yes on a procedural rule that would’ve moved Trump’s so-called “One Big Beautiful Bill” forward—a $3.4
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Welcome to YOLO County, Where Fireworks Aren’t Just for July
In an explosive turn of events (pun absolutely intended), Yolo County, California—because of course it’s called Yolo—reminded everyone last night that nothing says “freedom” quite like a fireworks warehouse turning itself into a Fourth of July tribute…on a Tuesday in June. Yes, residents of Esparto were treated to an unscheduled, full-throttle Michael Bay audition when
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I’m Not Lovin’ It: Why McDonald’s Is Cancelled. Would You Like Fries With That?
At long last, America is doing what nutritionists, cardiologists, and the ghost of Julia Child have been begging us to do for decades: we’re boycotting McDonald’s. Not for the usual reasons—arterial cement shakes, meat that’s one existential crisis away from sentience, or fries that stay intact longer than most celebrity marriages—but because… freedom. Or wages.
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BREAKING: Supreme Court Declares Porn Still Legal—But Only If It’s Emotionally Repressed and Filmed in a Cornfield
InIn a landmark 6-3 ruling destined to give abstinence-only health teachers a throbbing sense of purpose, the U.S. Supreme Court has sided against the adult entertainment industry in a First Amendment case so naked in its implications, even C-SPAN blushed. The ruling stems from Freedom of Expression vs. The Entire State of Utah, a lawsuit
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Prisoners of Privilege: The Chrisleys Discover Pain, Growth, and How to Monetize Both
In this week’s episode of White Collar Confessions, Julie and Todd Chrisley—America’s favorite Southern fried fraudsters—are finally free. And by “free,” we mean legally pardoned after spending a whole year bravely enduring the prison system from the safety of low-security facilities with better amenities than your local Holiday Inn Express. Yes, folks, the same couple
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The Rainbow Delusion: Why Queer Representation Clearly Needs a Little Less Glitter and a Lot More Gaslighting
Representation matters. Or so we’ve been told—usually by someone holding a Diversity & Inclusion pamphlet in one hand and a pitchfork full of budget cuts in the other. But nothing says progress like a major studio loudly patting itself on the back for including a gay character that blinks ambiguously in the background of a
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Pray the Gay Away: A Conversion Therapy Survival Guide (Now With 60% More Trauma and Zero Science)
Welcome to Conversion Therapy™—the only place where Jesus moonlights as a licensed therapist and heterosexuality is somehow contagious if you cry hard enough. Buckle up, buttercup. It’s time for a full-bodied, unlicensed, medically discredited journey through the spiritual carwash known as “turning you straight.” Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. Unless the goal is PTSD, self-loathing,