Latest posts
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The $8 Billion Paramount Merger That Proves Late-Stage Capitalism Still Dreams in 4K
Well, pop some popcorn and cancel your originality, folks—because the FCC has just approved the $8 billion Paramount–Skydance merger, and the entertainment-industrial complex just grew another head. Somewhere between “Mission: Impossible 37” and the fourth reboot of Cheers, this landmark media marriage means that all your favorite intellectual properties now belong to a single cinematic
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Lock Her Up (But Poor This Time): America Rediscovers Its Favorite Chant—Now with Fewer Mar-a-Lagos
At long last, America’s most beloved political rally cry has returned—not for Hillary, not for Hunter, but for Hannah under the freeway overpass. Yes, “Lock Her Up” has been dusted off, polished, and rebranded for a new demographic: the unhoused. And it’s all thanks to the latest Trump executive order, which proposes the forcible hospitalization
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Lone Star, Shady Lines: Texas GOP Dusts Off Crayons for Another Round of “Find the Democrat and Move Him”
If you thought gerrymandering was a once-per-decade tradition—like the census or Taylor Swift re-recordings—think again. Texas Republicans, fueled by barbecue, brazen ambition, and a deep-seated allergy to representative democracy, have decided to crack open the redistricting map early, because why wait for 2030 when you can tilt the scales right now? Welcome to mid-decade redistricting,
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Columbia University Sells Its Soul for $200 Million and a Patriotic Pat on the Head
Columbia University has officially agreed to a $200 million settlement that can only be described as “academic integrity, but make it negotiable.” After a long standoff with the federal government over funding cuts tied to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) programs, the Ivy League institution has agreed to restore funding—in exchange for agreeing to follow
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National Ice Cream Day: Because Nothing Says “Everything’s Fine” Like Dairy-Based Delusion
In the blistering heat of late-stage capitalism, where your rent costs more than your monthly trauma therapy and the planet’s basically one smoldering cone away from collapse, there comes a day so sweet, so saccharine, so unironically American that even the most disillusioned among us can’t help but say: “Fine. I’ll lick it.” Yes, darling—July
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Signed, Sealed, and Ready to Strangle Democracy in the Parking Lot of a Golden Corral
July 4, 2025 – Washington, D.C. (formerly known as the seat of democracy, now mostly just a themed escape room with worse puzzles) Happy Independence Day, America.While you’re lighting sparklers and dodging Uncle Randy’s racist fireworks rants, the government is signing its final love letter to authoritarianism—The Big Beautiful Bill. That’s not satire. That’s what
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Happy 4th of July! The Country’s Already on Fire—Might as Well Add Fireworks
Ah, Independence Day. That one time of year when we gather ‘round gas grills, wave flags made in China, and celebrate “freedom” by launching flaming projectiles into the nearest drought-stricken field. Because nothing screams liberty like sparklers in one hand and existential dread in the other. We’re told it’s a patriotic tradition. But let’s call
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Alligator Alcatraz: Florida’s Wetlands Warden School for Migrants
In the latest episode of political “creative thinking,” Florida officials have unveiled Alligator Alcatraz, a high-security immigration detention camp nestled in the Everglades—where the natural wildlife doubles as the unwitting bouncer. Think luxurious wetlands meets mandatory jungle gym… except the gym is populated with pythons and reptiles ready to RSVP to any escape attempt. tampabay.com+15thecut.com+15fox5dc.com+15
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I’m Not Lovin’ It: Why McDonald’s Is Cancelled. Would You Like Fries With That?
At long last, America is doing what nutritionists, cardiologists, and the ghost of Julia Child have been begging us to do for decades: we’re boycotting McDonald’s. Not for the usual reasons—arterial cement shakes, meat that’s one existential crisis away from sentience, or fries that stay intact longer than most celebrity marriages—but because… freedom. Or wages.
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Pray the Gay Away: A Conversion Therapy Survival Guide (Now With 60% More Trauma and Zero Science)
Welcome to Conversion Therapy™—the only place where Jesus moonlights as a licensed therapist and heterosexuality is somehow contagious if you cry hard enough. Buckle up, buttercup. It’s time for a full-bodied, unlicensed, medically discredited journey through the spiritual carwash known as “turning you straight.” Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. Unless the goal is PTSD, self-loathing,