Latest posts
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Y’allternative Medicine: The Only Essential Oil Strong Enough to Cure Facts
Welcome to 2025, where science is optional, vibes are currency, and the cure for cancer might be hiding in a mason jar full of moonshine and bootstraps. Forget Big Pharma. Forget Moderna. Forget literally anything that went through clinical trials. There’s a new sheriff in town and she’s wearing an “Ivermectin Is My Truth” t-shirt
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RFK Jr. Solves Alzheimer’s by Forgetting He Just Cut Funding For It
America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.” Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health,
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The Masculinity Patch™: Because Fragile Men Deserve a Break Too (From Themselves)
Now available in three flavors: Blame-Free Bourbon, Gym Bro Musk, and Silent Cry in a Ford F-150. For generations, society has coddled fragile masculinity like it’s a rare bird we must preserve—despite the fact that it keeps shitting on everything. We’ve tiptoed around egos, handed out participation trophies for bare minimum fatherhood, and applauded every
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Truthpaste™: Finally, a Mint That Burns the Lies Out of Your Mouth
You wake up. You stare into your bathroom mirror. Your skin looks okay if you don’t turn sideways. You think, “I’m doing fine.”You are, of course, lying. But don’t worry. Help is here.Introducing: Truthpaste™ — the world’s first toothpaste engineered to weaponize honesty. Because nothing says “self-care” like crying into your sink at 7 a.m.
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Dumbexia™: Because Ignorance Is Terminal, but Confidence Is Airborne
New from the makers of Denialitol and Narcissin comes Dumbexia™ — the first daily prescription medication designed specifically for people who think “I did my own research” is a personality type. Who Should Take Dumbexia™? Dumbexia™ isn’t just a medication—it’s a public service. How It Works: Dumbexia™ delivers slow-release facts into the bloodstream via a
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Karentines: The Dating App for the Aggressively Disappointed
Because Tinder is too gay, Hinge is too brown, and FarmersOnly has gone woke. Welcome to Karentines, the only dating app curated for the spiritually constipated, emotionally barren, weaponized haircut class. Finally, a place where middle-aged entitlement meets middle school reading comprehension. The Premise Is SimpleYou swipe through candidates filtered not by compatibility, but by
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The Price of Doing the Right Thing: A Life-Long Scarlet Letter for Telling the Truth
I’m not a thief. I’m not a bad person. I’m not perfect either, and I’ve made my share of mistakes. But I have always tried to live with integrity. I’ve chosen honesty over convenience, truth over spin, even when it wasn’t the easy road. I’ve gone without food before asking someone for help. When I
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Bomb, Boast, Blame: Trump’s Favorite Wartime Tradition Is Turning on His Own
You can always tell a Trump presidency is back in full swing when he drops bombs one day and burns bridges the next. After launching a surprise airstrike on Iranian nuclear facilities—without Congressional approval and with all the subtlety of a toddler with a matchbook—Trump took a victory lap so wide it flattened anyone who
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Now That’s What I Call Woke, Vol. 1.
We live in an era where everything’s being rebooted—movies, sitcoms, even cultural expectations. So why not do the same for music? Specifically, classic song lyrics. Because let’s be honest: some of these tunes didn’t age like fine wine. They aged like milk left in a hot car while catcalling a woman on her lunch break.
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Elon Musk Declares War on Knowledge, Armed Only with Ego and a Lobotomized AI
Just when you thought Elon Musk couldn’t get any more chaotic, he opens his intergalactic mouth and says—no, tweets—that Grok 3.5 (or 4, or whatever number he’s feeling that day) will “rewrite the entire corpus of human knowledge.” Not update it. Not improve it. Rewrite it. With “advanced reasoning,” which in Muskland apparently means Reddit-level