Latest posts
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The Eternal Gravity of Shit: Why Hierarchy Is Humanity’s Favorite Hobby
We like to tell ourselves that human beings are noble, empathetic creatures. We write novels about kindness, sing songs about love, build religions around compassion. But spend thirty seconds in line at Starbucks or thirty minutes Doordashing lukewarm Chipotle to someone in yoga pants, and the truth hits you in the face like a soggy…
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Apocalypse Now, But Make It Truth Social
On September 6, 2025, President Donald J. Trump escalated his “law-and-order” offensive in Chicago not with a policy paper, not with a briefing, not even with a garbled campaign rally rant. No, he escalated with Photoshop. The President of the United States posted an Apocalypse Now–style image of himself looming over a flaming Chicago skyline,…
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Trump vs. Seth Meyers: Late Night, Last Nerve
The 2 a.m. Truth Social Serenade On August 27, 2025, Donald Trump—our forever midnight bard—logged onto Truth Social at the ungodly hour of 2 a.m. to fight the real battle of our times: Seth Meyers’ job security. Forget Ukraine, forget inflation, forget that the Colorado River is turning into a trickle—the real crisis is NBC…
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Buzzing Back: Oregon’s Sanctuary Sting to the DOJ’s Drone Strike
Ladies and gentlemen, grab your headphones: we’re about to listen to the sweetest harmony in a dystopian symphony—the sound of a governor giving the finger to federal pressure without ever raising her middle digit. On August 19, 2025, Oregon Governor Tina Kotek sent a letter to Attorney General Pam Bondi that reads like the quiet…
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BREAKING: Elon Musk Funnels Rocket Money Into Robot Brain, Shockingly Not a Supervillain Yet
UNITED STATES, EARTH (FOR NOW) — In what appears to be yet another bold step toward either technological transcendence or a billionaire-induced apocalypse, Elon Musk has decided to firehose $2 billion of SpaceX funds directly into his latest AI brainchild, xAI, to boost the development of his chatbot, Grok — an artificial intelligence system designed…
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YouTube to Ban AI Blabber—Only Real Human Yelling Allowed from Now On
In a shocking twist, YouTube wants creators to be actual people again. In an attempt to prove it still remembers what a “human being” is, YouTube has announced a bold new monetization policy going into effect July 15, 2025. The platform will now only pay creators who use their real voices and produce original content,…
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I’m Writing a Book (Because Apparently I Hate Myself)
By someone who still thinks grammar matters It’s happening. I’m writing a book. A full-length, printed-on-dead-trees, hold-it-in-your-hands-like-it’s-the-early-2000s book. Because apparently I have a masochistic streak and a deep-seated desire to be wildly underappreciated in the age of microcontent and microwave attention spans. Let’s start with the obvious: No one reads anymore. And I don’t mean…
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The Truth About Planned Parenthood the GOP Doesn’t Want You to Know (Because Then You Might Stop Being Afraid of Vaginas)
Let’s set the stage. The Supreme Court, now essentially an overpriced group chat for anti-woman ideologues in matching robes, just gave South Carolina—and by extension, any other Bible-thumping state—the go-ahead to cut Medicaid funding to Planned Parenthood. Because, apparently, basic healthcare is now a controversial opinion. I don’t know how to say this gently, so…
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Welcome to The Good Ol’ Days™: A Timeless Destination Where History Never Quite Happened
Ever felt overwhelmed by the modern world’s insistence on equality, nuance, and basic historical literacy? Are you tired of safe spaces, accurate textbooks, and the terrifying possibility that someone might call out your Facebook meme as racially coded? Fear not, weary time traveler. Grab your pearls, clutch your rosary, and buckle up—because The Good Ol’…
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Zohran Mamdani Defeats Cuomo in NYC Mayoral Primary, Causing White Moderates to Spontaneously Combust Near Whole Foods
The Rent Is Still Too Damn High, But Now It’s Multilingual NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning upset that left political analysts, real estate developers, and several Upper West Side yoga instructors sobbing into their oat milk cortados, Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist with an actual spine, has won the Democratic primary for mayor…