Latest posts
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RFK Jr. Solves Alzheimer’s by Forgetting He Just Cut Funding For It
America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.” Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health,
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Trump Declares Peace Treaty with Imaginary Friend
BREAKING: In a breaking development that broke absolutely nothing, Donald J. Trump has declared a ceasefire between Israel and Iran. Which would be groundbreaking—if either country had actually agreed to it. Or even acknowledged it. Or knew what he was talking about. Iran, when asked to comment, essentially replied, “New ceasefire, who dis?” And Israel,
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Mykael Zane, Now Hiring: How a Name Can Get You Erased Before You Even Apply
I was almost named Mykael Zane Cloud. And by “almost,” I mean I was—for a hot minute. Right until my grandparents, wielding all the subtlety of a segregation-era guidance counselor, decided that name was too ethnic, too bold, too much like someone who might speak Spanish at a PTA meeting or God forbid, ask to
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Therapy Speak, But Make It Texan
Setting boundaries, y’all. With a side of queso. Welcome to the dusty crossroads of emotional healing and Southern hospitality, where therapy-speak gets run through a wood chipper of “Well, sugar, we don’t talk about that at the dinner table” and comes out the other side wrapped in a casserole dish. If you’ve ever tried to
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Bill Clinton endorses Andrew Cuomo by saying “You. You get me,” and it’s as awkward as it sounds.
Bill Clinton Looked at Andrew Cuomo and Said, “You. You Get Me.” Somewhere between sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and scrolling the headlines, I stumbled across it: Bill Clinton has officially endorsed Andrew Cuomo for mayor of New York City. At first, I laughed, assuming it was a parody post — like The Onion had merged
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The Top 10 Places No One Should Visit, Ever (Sorry, But Not Really)
Some cities are called hidden gems. Others should stay hidden like cursed relics sealed away for humanity’s protection. And yet, against all reason, people still book flights, plan road trips, and willingly subject themselves to places that radiate the energy of expired milk and sadness. Whether it’s toxic humidity, questionable locals, political decay, or the
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Five Months In: The Trumpocalypse Speedrun Nobody Asked For
Well, folks, we’ve done it. We’ve hit the five-month mark of the second Trump presidency, and let me just say: what an overachiever. Most administrations take years to reach full authoritarian collapse, but this one? We’re talking collapse by Memorial Day. If this presidency were a movie, it’d be Mad Max: Mar-a-Lago. Let’s start with