Latest posts
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Ken Mehlman Comes Out—Just a Few Million Hate Crimes Too Late
In today’s episode of The Gays Can Forgive, But We’re Gonna Roast You First, let’s talk about Ken Mehlman: former Bush campaign manager, architect of the 2004 “Ban the Gays” electoral strategy, and current reformed homosexual with a PR-approved redemption arc. Because nothing screams “personal growth” quite like helping destroy millions of lives before quietly
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Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Heal: The Ghost Policy Still Marching in Combat Boots
Ah yes. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell—that beloved Clinton-era gem of half-measure equality. The 1993 military policy that essentially told queer Americans, “You can serve your country, but could you please do it invisibly?” Because nothing says “thank you for your service” like “now lie about who you are, suppress your identity, and don’t you dare
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Why Reese’s Are the Only Friends I Need
A Treatise on Loyalty, Trauma, and Peanut Butter Cups Let me just say it plainly: I don’t need friends. I have Reese’s. And unlike the majority of humans I’ve let into my life, Reese’s have never borrowed my charger, trauma-dumped in my DMs without asking, or “forgotten” to Venmo me after splitting a check. Reese’s
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The Big Beautiful Bill: Not Big, Not Beautiful, Not Bill Clinton’s
Let me tell you about The Big Beautiful Bill—the piece of legislation that sounds like a gay brunch revue in Miami but is actually Congress’s latest attempt to duct tape a failing system with something halfway resembling a policy. You’ve probably heard it touted by your uncle who still uses “woke” as a slur or
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From Lincoln to ‘Lizard King’: A Brief History of How the GOP Went from Emancipation to Trump Fan Fiction
Let’s be clear right off the bat: this isn’t some tweed-jacketed seminar on 19th-century civics, nor is it a loving tribute to parchment, powdered wigs, or that one guy in the background of Hamilton who died before intermission. This is a confused, exhausted, deeply sarcastic look at how the party that once freed enslaved people
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Meteor Spotted Over the South, Fails to Fix Anything
June 26, 2025 – Earth (unfortunately still here) At approximately noon Eastern time today, a blazing fireball tore across the skies of Georgia, South Carolina, and Tennessee—causing brief panic, some delighted screams, and at least three Karens to yell, “Jesus is coming!” as they clutched their pearls and prayer journals. But alas, it wasn’t the
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The Truth About Planned Parenthood the GOP Doesn’t Want You to Know (Because Then You Might Stop Being Afraid of Vaginas)
Let’s set the stage. The Supreme Court, now essentially an overpriced group chat for anti-woman ideologues in matching robes, just gave South Carolina—and by extension, any other Bible-thumping state—the go-ahead to cut Medicaid funding to Planned Parenthood. Because, apparently, basic healthcare is now a controversial opinion. I don’t know how to say this gently, so
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Trump Weighs In on Netanyahu’s Trial, Accidentally Declares Himself Israel’s Messiah
Mango Mussolini Endorses Bibi, Entire Planet Becomes Less Safe In a completely normal and definitely sane post on Truth Social—the platform for people too unhinged for Twitter and too banned for LinkedIn—Donald Trump has once again clacked his stubby fingers across the keyboard of prophecy, this time to defend his favorite authoritarian pen pal: Benjamin
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Zohran Mamdani Defeats Cuomo in NYC Mayoral Primary, Causing White Moderates to Spontaneously Combust Near Whole Foods
The Rent Is Still Too Damn High, But Now It’s Multilingual NEW YORK CITY — In a stunning upset that left political analysts, real estate developers, and several Upper West Side yoga instructors sobbing into their oat milk cortados, Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist with an actual spine, has won the Democratic primary for mayor
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Daddy Issues: NATO, Mark Rutte specifically, Hopes to Be Trump’s Ivanka—Instead, They’re His Tiffany
There are headlines that make you sigh, others that make you wince, and then there’s: “Daddy, You’re My Daddy.” No, that’s not the title of a long-lost porn parody of Succession. It’s what Donald Trump claimed NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte said to him—affectionately, mind you—during a NATO summit in the Netherlands, in reference to