Latest posts
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Kamala Harris Declines to Govern: California Weeps, 2028 Holds Its Breath
In a week already saturated with bloated indictments, poorly aged tweets, and men with microphones saying “I miss when politics was normal,” Kamala Harris made the most powerful move in modern politics: saying no. She will not run for governor of California. Not because she can’t. Not because she’s lost the thread. But because she’s
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The Naked Gun Premiere Stuns Nation: Critics Describe Experience as ‘Emotionally Immature,’ ‘Deeply Healing,’ and ‘Unfit for the Literate’
It was a night to remember—if, that is, your brain had been recently concussed by a whiffle bat and lubricated with the comedic sophistication of a whoopee cushion. The red carpet was laid, the stars were out, and the nation’s dignity was carefully packed into a burlap sack and hurled down a fire escape. Yes,
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Holy Paperclips, Luxury Jets, and Surprise Deadlines: Inside the Trump Administration’s Month of Multitasking
In a dizzying flurry of executive motion and moral multitasking, President Donald J. Trump has once again reminded us that governing is not about consistency, coherence, or consequences—it’s about volume. And the 2025 Trump administration has been operating at maximum decibel. From peace ultimatums issued like fast food orders to religious paperweights, Hurricane Helene bailouts,
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Let Them Eat Optics: Gaza Starves While World Leaders Host a Photo Op
In a powerful show of concern, several world leaders have finally taken a bold, unified stand against the most dangerous enemy in the Gaza conflict: bad press. After months of airstrikes, blockades, and performative diplomacy, President Donald J. Trump emerged from his golf cart to announce that yes—“real starvation” is happening in Gaza, and yes—it
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Middle East Peace Stalls as Trump Discovers Hamas Isn’t a Golf Course
In what political historians will one day refer to as either a diplomatic low point or Tuesday, President Donald J. Trump announced that Hamas is to blame for the breakdown of ceasefire negotiations in Gaza, citing their “lack of seriousness” and “terrible negotiation posture”—two critiques he’s famously allergic to applying domestically. With peace talks collapsing
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The Abs Are a Distraction: Biden’s Brain, Trump’s Everything, and the GOP’s Quest for a Mirror
If there’s one thing House Republicans care about, it’s fitness. Physical fitness. Mental fitness. Political fitness. Fitness to serve, fitness to lead, fitness to blink in time with the national anthem. And so, in a bold bipartisan act of historical concern, the GOP has launched a sweeping investigation into former President Joe Biden’s cognitive ability
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The Bongino Doctrine: How to Reform the FBI with a Podcast Mic and a Megaphone
Some men are born for public service. Others have it thrust upon them. And then there’s Daniel Bongino—who appears to have podcasted his way into federal law enforcement leadership with the energy of a man who once read the Constitution off a T-shirt at a gun show. Yes, dear readers, Deputy Director Bongino has officially
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The Second Term’s the Charm: Trump, DEI, and Other Performance Art Pieces from a Government in Reflux
The Trump administration’s second act has arrived—unseasoned, unfiltered, and flush with the confidence of a man who thinks The Art of the Deal is still in print. What began as a 2016 fever dream has curdled into a 2025 reality show reboot: America’s Next Top Autocrat. Naturally, there’s been some turbulence. The president, emboldened by
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Jamie Lee Curtis Is Self-Retiring—Because Hollywood Can’t Be Trusted with a Calendar
Jamie Lee Curtis—Oscar winner, Activia spokeswoman, scream queen, and matriarch of aging on her own terms—has announced she’s been “self-retiring for 30 years.” Which is, of course, the most emotionally intelligent and quietly devastating resignation letter Hollywood has ever received. According to Curtis, the decision wasn’t spontaneous. It was a long, slow fade-out. Like the
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Lock Her Up (But Poor This Time): America Rediscovers Its Favorite Chant—Now with Fewer Mar-a-Lagos
At long last, America’s most beloved political rally cry has returned—not for Hillary, not for Hunter, but for Hannah under the freeway overpass. Yes, “Lock Her Up” has been dusted off, polished, and rebranded for a new demographic: the unhoused. And it’s all thanks to the latest Trump executive order, which proposes the forcible hospitalization