Latest posts
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Daddy Issues: NATO, Mark Rutte specifically, Hopes to Be Trump’s Ivanka—Instead, They’re His Tiffany
There are headlines that make you sigh, others that make you wince, and then there’s: “Daddy, You’re My Daddy.” No, that’s not the title of a long-lost porn parody of Succession. It’s what Donald Trump claimed NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte said to him—affectionately, mind you—during a NATO summit in the Netherlands, in reference to
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Your Loved One Is in Good Hands: The Ones That Just Changed a Bedpan
Welcome, dear family member! We know it’s hard leaving Nana with strangers who call her “sweetheart” instead of by her actual name, but rest assured: she is absolutely in good hands. And by “good hands,” we mean the chapped, underpaid, chronically overworked hands of Carla, who has just finished wiping diarrhea off a shower chair
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So I Found the Love of My Life… Now What?
The Rest of You May As Well Log Off. There comes a time in every former trauma dumpling’s life when the clouds part, the birds chirp, and some suspiciously handsome man with stable communication skills and actual emotional intelligence shows up. For me, it happened eight months ago. And now? Honestly—I’m unwell. In the best
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Welcome to 2025: A Field Guide to the Apocalypse Lite™
Compiled by: A Sentient Bee with Anxiety and a Data Plan Congratulations! You’ve made it to 2025, the year where climate collapse is trending, AI writes breakup texts, and Congress now live-streams on OnlyFans. As your reward, we’ve compiled this essential guide to surviving another year of democracy limping through menopause. Whether you’re queer in
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RFK Jr. Solves Alzheimer’s by Forgetting He Just Cut Funding For It
America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.” Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health,
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The Masculinity Patch™: Because Fragile Men Deserve a Break Too (From Themselves)
Now available in three flavors: Blame-Free Bourbon, Gym Bro Musk, and Silent Cry in a Ford F-150. For generations, society has coddled fragile masculinity like it’s a rare bird we must preserve—despite the fact that it keeps shitting on everything. We’ve tiptoed around egos, handed out participation trophies for bare minimum fatherhood, and applauded every
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Truthpaste™: Finally, a Mint That Burns the Lies Out of Your Mouth
You wake up. You stare into your bathroom mirror. Your skin looks okay if you don’t turn sideways. You think, “I’m doing fine.”You are, of course, lying. But don’t worry. Help is here.Introducing: Truthpaste™ — the world’s first toothpaste engineered to weaponize honesty. Because nothing says “self-care” like crying into your sink at 7 a.m.
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The iCope™: Because Therapy Is Expensive and America’s a Joke
Congratulations. It’s 2025. The world is on fire (literally), the government thinks empathy is socialism, and you’ve once again cried in your car while pretending to be on a conference call. But fear not, because capitalism heard your despair and did what it does best: monetized it.
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Karentines: The Dating App for the Aggressively Disappointed
Because Tinder is too gay, Hinge is too brown, and FarmersOnly has gone woke. Welcome to Karentines, the only dating app curated for the spiritually constipated, emotionally barren, weaponized haircut class. Finally, a place where middle-aged entitlement meets middle school reading comprehension. The Premise Is SimpleYou swipe through candidates filtered not by compatibility, but by
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Trump Declares Peace Treaty with Imaginary Friend
BREAKING: In a breaking development that broke absolutely nothing, Donald J. Trump has declared a ceasefire between Israel and Iran. Which would be groundbreaking—if either country had actually agreed to it. Or even acknowledged it. Or knew what he was talking about. Iran, when asked to comment, essentially replied, “New ceasefire, who dis?” And Israel,