Latest posts
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Repressitol PM: Because Sleeping Through Your Trauma Is the New Self-Care
Introducing Repressitol PM, the only sleep aid clinically designed for those of us whose nightly routine includes laying in bed and remembering everything we’ve ever done wrong since 1996. Is your bedtime ritual more like a horror anthology curated by your subconscious? Do you routinely wake up at 3:07 a.m. wondering if that joke you
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Welcome to 2025: A Field Guide to the Apocalypse Lite™
Compiled by: A Sentient Bee with Anxiety and a Data Plan Congratulations! You’ve made it to 2025, the year where climate collapse is trending, AI writes breakup texts, and Congress now live-streams on OnlyFans. As your reward, we’ve compiled this essential guide to surviving another year of democracy limping through menopause. Whether you’re queer in
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Truthpaste™: Finally, a Mint That Burns the Lies Out of Your Mouth
You wake up. You stare into your bathroom mirror. Your skin looks okay if you don’t turn sideways. You think, “I’m doing fine.”You are, of course, lying. But don’t worry. Help is here.Introducing: Truthpaste™ — the world’s first toothpaste engineered to weaponize honesty. Because nothing says “self-care” like crying into your sink at 7 a.m.
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Dumbexia™: Because Ignorance Is Terminal, but Confidence Is Airborne
New from the makers of Denialitol and Narcissin comes Dumbexia™ — the first daily prescription medication designed specifically for people who think “I did my own research” is a personality type. Who Should Take Dumbexia™? Dumbexia™ isn’t just a medication—it’s a public service. How It Works: Dumbexia™ delivers slow-release facts into the bloodstream via a
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Operation Midnight Hammer, Grindr username or military operation, and a President Who Skipped Congress
I’m fairly certain I chatted on Grindr with a guy named “Midnight Hammer,” before I met Matthew. We never met, but the username stuck with me. So imagine my surprise when I woke up to the news that Operation Midnight Hammer was the official name of the U.S. bombing campaign that just leveled multiple Iranian
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Strait Outta Options: Iran Votes to Shut Down the Strait of Hormuz, Trump Shuts Down Logic, and We’re All Just Along for the Ride
It’s Sunday, June 22, 2025. While half the country is at church pretending they didn’t black out at Applebee’s karaoke last night, I’m sitting here sipping my third Diet Dr. Pepper of the morning and trying to emotionally process the fact that the Strait of Hormuz will be closed and we’re apparently doing Iran War,
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If Jesus Came Back Today, He’d Vote Blue: A Sunday Sermon for the Politically Constipated
It’s Sunday morning, and while the evangelical right is hungover from a Saturday night of God-fearing debauchery—tequila, Tinder, and casual racism—I’m sipping Diet Dr. Pepper and writing a little sermon of my own. Not from a pulpit, but from a keyboard that doesn’t judge me for being gay, liberal, or three Reese’s deep before noon.
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Hillary Clinton Climbed the Ladder, Kamala Harris Built a New One, Trump Fell Down the Stairs and Still Got the Job
In the grand pageant of American exceptionalism, where mediocrity wears a red tie and yells about dishwashers, it was perhaps inevitable that we’d hand the nuclear codes to a man whose most impressive résumé item was yelling “You’re fired!” on NBC. Twice now, we’ve watched the electorate (and let’s be honest, the Electoral College’s interpretive
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To the Middle East, with Bombs: As Iran Burns, Trump’s Cabinet and Republican Congress Prepare Us for World War III with Vibes and Vague Resumes
As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a
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The Art of the No-War War: Trump orders the U.S. Military to bomb Iran
On June 21, 2025, President Donald J. Trump took to Truth Social—America’s favorite unhinged group chat with fonts—to announce that the U.S. military had completed a “very successful attack” on three Iranian nuclear sites. And by “successful,” he of course meant in the same way your uncle “successfully” fixes the toilet but leaves the bathroom