Latest posts
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Side Effects May Include: Inflation, Nationalism, and Spontaneous Economic Collapse
In a recent episode of The Price is Wrong, Trump proposed imposing 250% tariffs on imported pharmaceuticals, claiming other countries are unfairly pricing medications. This move threatens to significantly raise costs for American patients, burdening the working class while masking the initiative as nationalism. The plan risks pushing the sick further into financial despair without…
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From Bench to Bar Fight: Jeanine Pirro Confirmed as U.S. Attorney for D.C., Chaos Ensues
Well, it finally happened. After years of performative shouting, a few too many box wines, and one very persistent eye twitch that could double as a metronome for national decline, Jeanine Pirro has officially been confirmed by the United States Senate as the new U.S. Attorney for the District of Columbia. That’s right—our nation’s capital’s
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The Primary Buffet: Democrats Prepare to Feed Themselves to Democracy (Again)
The 2028 Democratic primary isn’t officially underway, but if you lean in closely, you can already hear the clinking of silverware at the self-cannibalism buffet. A dozen forks, half a platform, and the unshakeable belief that this will be the year a candidate emerges who is both inspiring and electable, progressive and pragmatic, fierce but…
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Ghislaine’s Great Escape: From High-Security Headlines to Minimum-Security Hill Country
Somewhere between the sound of cicadas and the scent of institutional brisket, Ghislaine Maxwell is adjusting to her new reality: a minimum-security federal prison camp in sunny, suspiciously welcoming Bryan, Texas. Yes, Bryan. The town best known for its proximity to literally anything more interesting and now, apparently, for hosting the disgraced socialite convicted of
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You’re Fired: Trump Finds the Real Culprit Behind America’s Job Woes (Hint: It’s Not Capitalism)
In a surprising twist that shocked absolutely no one, former President Donald J. Trump has once again taken bold, decisive, and entirely unhinged action against the greatest threat to American prosperity: math. Specifically, the kind of math that results in job reports that make him look bad. Following a “disappointing” economic update, which revealed that
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Depth Charges and Daddy Issues: America’s Favorite Strongman Plays Battleship With the World
In a turn of events that could only be described as “textbook masculine fragility but with submarines,” former President Donald J. Trump has responded to a so-called “highly provocative” statement from Russia not with diplomacy, nor with tact, nor even with a sharply worded tweet—but with the deployment of two nuclear submarines. Because nothing says
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Cry Me a Tick: Justin Timberlake’s Most Relatable Era Yet
Somewhere between Man of the Woods and Trolls World Tour, the universe whispered, “Bring him to his knees.” And nature—ever the vengeful minimalist—delivered not through scandal or cancellation, but with something far subtler: a tick. Yes, in news that reads like a Mad Lib written by Gwyneth Paltrow’s holistic healer, Justin Timberlake has revealed he’s
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Alone Together™: How to Cure Loneliness with Wi-Fi, Vague Eye Contact, and Corporate Wellness Emails
If you’re feeling lonely in 2025, good news: you’re not alone. You are, in fact, part of a globally trending demographic—a vast, echoing chorus of fully-charged devices and emotionally uncharged people, all sending each other “just checking in” texts while lying motionless on separate couches. We live in the most hyper-connected society in history. You
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Earthquake, Tsunamis, Mega-Destruction—But Top 5 on X? Here’s Your Frontier News Feed Instead
So a massive earthquake just rattled half the globe, triggered tsunami alerts coast to coast, and… your X timeline is still recommending “10 low-calorie snacks to curb your midnight cravings” and that viral meme about a waiter recalling your order unironically. Congratulations, Elon Musk’s algorithm didn’t even blink. The top 5 stories on the platform?