Latest posts
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Shutdown Theater: Now With More Subsidies and Security Funds!
Welcome back to Washington, America’s longest-running soap opera, where every September the same plotline airs: Will the government shut down? Will Speaker [insert name here, they rotate faster than NFL quarterbacks] hold the caucus together? Will Chuck Schumer furrow his brows meaningfully? And will anyone, at any point, think about the millions of actual humans
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Apple’s Next Ten Things: Because Owning Your Soul Once Wasn’t Enough
The Launch Avalanche No One Asked For Apple has lined up ten more products for release in the coming cycle. Ten. Because apparently, the cure for market stagnation isn’t innovation—it’s attrition. If one shiny rectangle doesn’t hypnotize you, surely ten will. The list reads like a fever dream of incrementalism: a faster Apple TV, a
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The Emmys Crown Their New Royalty: Streamers, Sad Billionaires, and Seth Rogen
Award shows love to pretend they’re about art, but the Emmys have always been about bragging rights. Who owns the zeitgeist? Who commands the hashtags? Who can throw the longest acceptance speech while orchestra violins nervously twitch in the pit? And this year, the 77th Primetime Emmys gave us the answer in flashing lights: streaming
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Groypers, Grievances, and the Great MAGA Family Reunion
Every political movement develops factions. The Bolsheviks had Mensheviks, the Catholics had Protestants, the Beatles had Yoko. But no coalition fractures quite like the MAGAverse, which has managed to stuff twelve different ideological cliques into one red hat—and none of them particularly like each other. If the Republican Party used to be a country club,
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The Eternal Gravity of Shit: Why Hierarchy Is Humanity’s Favorite Hobby
We like to tell ourselves that human beings are noble, empathetic creatures. We write novels about kindness, sing songs about love, build religions around compassion. But spend thirty seconds in line at Starbucks or thirty minutes Doordashing lukewarm Chipotle to someone in yoga pants, and the truth hits you in the face like a soggy
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My Predictions for the 77th Primetime Emmys
Every year, the Emmys give us an opportunity to reflect not just on the television that entertained us, but the television that defined the cultural conversation. Some shows break through because they’re technically brilliant. Others linger because they captured a mood or gave us characters we couldn’t stop talking about. This year, the ballots feel
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Trump’s Traveling Roadshow of Troops: Now Appearing in Memphis
Donald Trump has always treated the presidency like a touring act—part reality show, part casino floor, part authoritarian cosplay. And on September 12, 2025, he added a new stop on the circuit: Memphis. The big announcement? He’s deploying the National Guard to patrol its streets. Not because Memphis asked for it, not because crime is
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In response to prematurely blaming liberals for Charlie Kirk: Maybe Stop Acting Like Fascists If You Don’t Want to Be Called Fascists
There’s a game the American right has perfected. It goes like this: they say or do something horrifying—racist, misogynist, homophobic, authoritarian—then when people point it out, they act wounded, offended, persecuted. How dare you call us fascist? they cry, clutching their pearls with one hand while sharpening voter suppression laws with the other. It’s a
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Stagflation Lite™: Now With Extra Tariffs and Tomato Surcharges
America, you can relax. Inflation is only at its highest pace since January, jobless claims are at their highest since October 2021, and the Labor Department has discovered that somewhere between April 2024 and March 2025, we misplaced nearly a million jobs. (Don’t worry, they’re probably under the couch with your missing socks and Biden’s
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The EU Declares Independence (From Us, Mostly)
Ursula von der Leyen, President of the European Commission and owner of Europe’s most determinedly practical haircut, took the stage in Strasbourg on September 10 to deliver her State of the Union. And let me tell you, it was not the milquetoast Euro-babble of years past. Instead, von der Leyen announced what she called Europe’s