Latest posts
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The Ham Sandwich Walks Free: The Department of Justice Keeps Losing Arguments with Reality
The Justice Department keeps pulling the lever, and the indictment machine keeps blinking “try again” like it’s a broken arcade game with federal letterhead. There are a few sacred American traditions you can set your watch by, even if nobody can agree what time it is anymore. One is that a federal grand jury will
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Snowflake Is Melting Down: Trump Labels His Hurt Feelings Treasonous
The Founding Fathers Forgot to Mention That Napping is Now a State Secret Donald Trump has finally invented a new branch of jurisprudence called “feelings treason,” where noticing a seventy-nine-year-old man is tired is punishable by the full force of the internet. It was only a matter of time before Donald Trump, a man who
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The Red Fortress of Miami Has Fallen to a Woman Named Eileen
It turns out that telling a city of immigrants that immigrants are the problem is not a winning strategy, even if you say it in Spanish. In a development that has caused political strategists in Washington to spill their double espressos and check their maps to ensure Miami is still in Florida, Democrat Eileen Higgins
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The Red Hat Welfare State: Trump’s $12 Billion “Bridge” Is Just a Toll Road You Paid For Twice
Welcome to the Golden Age of Conservative Socialism, where the government is the problem unless you own a tractor, in which case the government is a limitless ATM. There is a specific, bitter irony that settles in when you watch a political movement dedicated to “free markets” and “personal responsibility” suddenly decide that the federal
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The Supreme Court is About to Turn the Constitution into a Customer Service Complaint Line That Goes Straight to Voicemail
If you have ever looked at the federal government and thought, “You know what this place needs? More impulsivity and less adult supervision,” then boy, does the Supreme Court have a treat for you. The high court is currently preparing to hand Donald Trump the keys to the regulatory state, effectively allowing him to treat
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How Donald Trump Turned the Kennedy Center Honors into a MAGA Variety Hour
The nation’s premier cultural institution has been rebranded as a Atlantic City lounge act, and the price of admission is your dignity. The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts was designed as a living memorial to a slain president, a marble temple on the Potomac intended to elevate the American spirit through the
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Trump’s $12 Billion Apology Note to Farmers Is Signed With Your Credit Card
The arsonist has returned to the scene of the crime, not to put out the fire, but to sell the victims a very expensive glass of water. On Monday, the political circus will descend upon Washington with the heavy, frantic energy of a infomercial host realizing his product is defective. President Trump, flanked by a
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Trump Tries To Buy a Congressman, But the Congressman Is A Better Con Man
The President thought he was purchasing a party switch with a pardon, but he forgot that in Texas, you take the cattle and leave the cowboy holding the rope. There is a specific, grimy elegance to the way Donald Trump approaches the presidency. He does not view it as a constitutional office or a sacred
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The Law of the Sea (According to the Guy Who Threw the Axe on Fox & Friends)
When the Department of Defense decides that “interdiction” is just a fancy word for “snuff film.” The United States Navy has a long and storied tradition of rescuing sailors in distress. It is one of those ancient maritime codes, like not whistling on the bridge or avoiding bananas on a boat, that separates professional mariners
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The Divorce of the Century: Marjorie Taylor Greene Leaves the Cult
When the most loyal soldier in the MAGA army decides to go AWOL, it isn’t a political pivot; it is a primal scream from inside the house. The marriage between Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene was never going to end with a quiet mediation and a shared custody agreement for the base. It was