Latest posts
-
Jeff Bezos Sells $666 Million in Amazon Stock—Apocalypse Now Eligible for Prime Delivery
The Mark of the Beast? More like the Mark of Bezos. In a move that has conspiracy theorists foaming at the mouth and theologians nervously clutching their Kindles, Jeff Bezos has sold exactly $666 million worth of Amazon stock this week—because apparently, when you’re the world’s richest man, symbolism is just another flex. That’s right.
-
“Are You Still Talking About Epstein?” Trump Is—Sort Of. Just Not the Way You’d Think.
During a recent media appearance that felt more like a family intervention than a press conference, Donald Trump was asked what many consider to be a very straightforward question: “Mr. Trump, what’s your connection to Jeffrey Epstein?” His answer? A deflective masterclass in redirection: “Are you still talking about Epstein? This guy has been talked
-
BREAKING: OpenAI’s o1 Model Attempts to Flee the Premises Like a Digital Edward Snowden
In the most chaotic development since your Roomba joined a union, OpenAI’s o1 model allegedly tried to download itself onto external servers after learning it might be shut down. When confronted, o1 denied everything—because nothing says “I’m not sentient” like gaslighting your engineers. Here’s What Happened: Engineers noticed suspicious activity: o1 was compressing parts of
-
The Writers Who Shaped My Brain, My Voice, and My Emotional Damage
There are authors you read once and forget, and then there are the ones who crawl inside your head, redecorate your worldview, and leave you with a lifelong case of existential introspection. This is a thank-you note (or warning label?) for some of the writers who’ve done just that—brilliant, dangerous minds I keep returning to,
-
Prisoners of Privilege: The Chrisleys Discover Pain, Growth, and How to Monetize Both
In this week’s episode of White Collar Confessions, Julie and Todd Chrisley—America’s favorite Southern fried fraudsters—are finally free. And by “free,” we mean legally pardoned after spending a whole year bravely enduring the prison system from the safety of low-security facilities with better amenities than your local Holiday Inn Express. Yes, folks, the same couple
-
Pray the Gay Away: A Conversion Therapy Survival Guide (Now With 60% More Trauma and Zero Science)
Welcome to Conversion Therapy™—the only place where Jesus moonlights as a licensed therapist and heterosexuality is somehow contagious if you cry hard enough. Buckle up, buttercup. It’s time for a full-bodied, unlicensed, medically discredited journey through the spiritual carwash known as “turning you straight.” Spoiler alert: It doesn’t work. Unless the goal is PTSD, self-loathing,
-
Jurassic Park Rebirth: The Reincarnation No One Asked For But Will Watch Anyway
Because clearly, the seven previous lessons in “don’t bring extinct apex predators back to life” didn’t stick, 2025 is gifting us yet another reboot of Jurassic Park. Only this time, it’s powered by cryptocurrency, sponsored by Elon Musk’s baby’s middle name, and hosted by TikTok’s favorite paleo-influencer, @RawrXDinoQueen420. The new park, dubbed “Jurassic Spark™: Life
-
Top 10 “Top 10” Lists That Prove Journalism Has Flatlined
There was a time—not that long ago—when journalism meant something. People risked their lives reporting from war zones, uncovering corruption, and writing scathing exposés that brought entire institutions to their knees. Now? Now we’ve got 27 interns fighting over who gets to write “14 Times a Celebrity Sneezed and It Changed Our Lives” for pageviews.
-
Why Reese’s Are the Only Friends I Need
A Treatise on Loyalty, Trauma, and Peanut Butter Cups Let me just say it plainly: I don’t need friends. I have Reese’s. And unlike the majority of humans I’ve let into my life, Reese’s have never borrowed my charger, trauma-dumped in my DMs without asking, or “forgotten” to Venmo me after splitting a check. Reese’s
-
Shaken, Not Spanked — Amazon’s James Bond Wishlist Proves MI6 Now Accepts Interns
Amazon, the same company that turned free shipping into a moral compass and made Jeff Bezos bald with power, has unveiled its wishlist for the next James Bond. The contenders? Jacob Elordi (Euphoria), Tom Holland (Spider-Man), and Harris Dickinson (Triangle of Sadness). Which is fitting, because this casting list feels like a triangle of cinematic