Latest posts
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RFK Jr. Solves Alzheimer’s by Forgetting He Just Cut Funding For It
America, breathe easy. Our long national nightmare of aging brains and memory loss is over—because Robert F. Kennedy Jr., anti-vax whisperer and discount conspiracy Santa, has boldly declared that he is “completely committed to solving Alzheimer’s.” Naturally, this announcement was made shortly before his proposal to cut $1.2 billion from the National Institutes of Health,
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American Healthcare: Now With 20% Less Humanity!
A User Manual for Surviving the ER Without Dignity or Insurance Welcome to the American healthcare system! Whether you’ve arrived via ambulance, rideshare, or crawling on your last good limb, this guide will prepare you for your stay in the trauma-scented purgatory known as the Emergency Room. Don’t worry—we’ve streamlined the experience to maximize humiliation
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To the Middle East, with Bombs: As Iran Burns, Trump’s Cabinet and Republican Congress Prepare Us for World War III with Vibes and Vague Resumes
As major U.S. cities hunker down in anticipation of retaliatory terror attacks after the administration’s impromptu fireworks display over Iranian nuclear sites, let us take a moment—just a brief, reflective pause—to remember that America’s current terror prevention strategy is now in the capable hands of a 22-year-old former grocery store cashier who once weed-whacked a
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America’s Next Top Solution: How Reality Shows Could Fix Society’s Problems
Imagine a world where Congress is replaced by contestants in sequins, Supreme Court rulings come down to who gets the final rose, and infrastructure funding is determined by who can survive the most eliminations on a beach with zero electricity and twelve influencers. If this sounds absurd, ask yourself: is it really any worse than
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Medicaid and Social Security Replaced with Thoughts and Prayers (and Other Promises from the Apocalypse)
Welcome to the future: where the oceans have risen, the temperature is lava-adjacent, and America’s retirement plan is a half-used candle from Hobby Lobby labeled “HOPE.” In this brave new world, Medicaid and Social Security have officially been replaced with a federal program called Thoughts and Prayers, which is just a pop-up window that plays
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What TV Taught Me That Religion Never Could
I spent the first chunk of my life being told that truth lived between two leather-bound covers: The Holy Bible. I was taught that everything worth knowing—morality, love, justice, salvation—had already been figured out, footnoted, and translated into King James English. Questioning it wasn’t curiosity; it was rebellion. And rebellion got you exactly one ticket
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5G Mind Control and Lizard People: The Most Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories I’ve Ever Heard (and Maybe Believed for 0.2 Seconds)
You ever hear something so absolutely batshit that your brain short-circuits trying to process it? Like, your eyebrows do that confused slant, your jaw unlatches, and you momentarily disassociate while wondering if we, as a species, deserve to survive? Yeah—welcome to the glittery underbelly of conspiracy culture. Now listen, I’m no stranger to questioning authority.
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Ruth Langmore: The Heart, Soul, and Tragedy of Ozark
The murky waters of the Ozarks, seemingly tranquil on the surface, hide a relentless undertow of criminality, moral decay, and profound desperation. For four gripping seasons, a masterful series plunged us into this treacherous landscape, forcing us to confront the chilling depths of human ambition and the devastating cost of survival. But amidst the calculating
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My Top 5 Unexpected Joys of Self-Care (Beyond Bubble Baths)Because sometimes self-care is deleting that unread email from 2019 and calling it closure.
Look, I’m all for the image of a luxurious bubble bath surrounded by candles, Enya echoing in the background, and rose petals floating like a spa-sponsored hallucination. But if that’s your only vision of self-care? You’re missing out on the real joy. The kind that isn’t photogenic, but feels like taking your bra off after
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The Comfort of the Rewatch: Why Matthew Revisits His Favorite Shows When the World Is Wild
For most of my life, I’ve been a one-and-done kind of TV viewer. Watch it once, maybe cry a little (or a lot), file it into the “Emotionally Wrecked” section of my brain, and move on. I’ve never understood people who rewatch shows over and over again. There’s so much new content out there, why